The surprising habits that might be ruining your relationship, according to experts

Whether it’s wanting to clear the air, ensuring we listen enough and being ‘kind’ – sometimes even when we do the right thing, a relationship can flounder. But here two top relationship experts tell us the ‘right’ things we do that we might actually be doing WRONG in a relationship…

1. You want to solve arguments

It’s natural to want to solve a problem. But some experts say that’s not the point. ‘Sixty-nine percent of disagreements don’t get solved in relationships,’ says relationship expert Shelley Whitehead. Shelley J Whitehead | Relationship Coach

But there’s a reason, she adds: ‘Because not everything needs to be solved.’

We’re taught to ‘clear the air’ to ‘have it out’ and get things sorted. But Shelley says that’s not always necessary. ‘Sometimes it’s important just to be heard. It is not about solving problems all the time and certainly not about winning.’

Dating Coach and Relationship Expert James Preece and author at HeraHaven.com says: ‘In relationships, you should both be on the same side, so winning isn’t the goal. You don’t need to always be right, instead, it’s more important to understand the other person. If you let your partner know that you’re listening and taking their perspective on board, they’ll feel validated and appreciated, which builds deeper respect and connection. Choosing connection over control means putting your ego aside. It allows you to end the argument sooner, move forward faster, and stop small issues from turning into something bigger.

2. You listen too much

We’re taught to listen in relationships. But if one goes on more than the other, is it fair? James Preece says: ‘If you’re struggling to communicate, a timer can be a great idea. It allows each person to talk without interruption. This means that everyone is heard, conversations are focused and it prevents drawn-out arguments. Two minutes is a great time for each person as it allows you to get everything off your chest, but forces you to get to the point, so the issue is resolved quickly.’

Shelley Whitehead says: ‘What we are normally listening for is our partner’s judgement, criticism and defensiveness. So we’ve got to stop listening to judgement, criticism and defensiveness and start listening to the need underneath – an unmet longing and a deep need. It’s about listening differently.

‘Sometimes we listen to what’s being said rather than what’s not being said. There is a thing called Generative Listening which we teach our couples and it’s a level of listening that goes beyond merely hearing words. It’s focusing on creating a space for new possibilities and insights and by having empathy and a willingness to understand someone else’s perspective. We want it to be a two way thing. So we tend to flood the space with context and ‘me’ words and a new way of doing this is for both parties to have a chance to speak and while they speak for the other person to listen. But to listen without their own agenda. And then they swap over. Very often in conflict one person is not willing to hear the perspective of the other.

‘Sometimes there is one person who listens less. So you need to ask that person to ‘please hear me and only respond with two words: ‘I understand.’’

3. You want to sleep together all the time

Movies, books, love stories and even music videos show romantic couples waking up in each other’s arms. So it’s natural for us to think that if you sleep in separate rooms something might be ‘wrong.’ But is that always the case? Maybe you just want a bit of peace or to avoid snoring?

James Preece says: ‘There are lots of benefits that come from sleeping apart. It can improve sleep quality, reducing the number of disruptions due to snoring, restlessness and different sleep schedules. This means better rest which leads to better mood, health and patience - all of which will benefit the relationship. 

‘That said, physical distance at night means it’s even more important to stay emotionally and physically connected. Couples should be intentional about carving out quality time during the day and keeping intimacy a priority.’

4. You want to be spontaneous

We’re told to be ‘more spontaneous’ but Shelley Whitehead says in a relationship sometimes we need to do the exact opposite and schedule time for everything from talking, to date nights, to sex.

‘It’s important to allocate time for a relationship. We make time to exercise, to order in the groceries, to make the meals, to walk the dog and if there’s time we’ll possibly have time for love or connection. I really believe in scheduling and creating time for connection. You should even schedule time for eye contact. We stop making eye contact when we’re busy. If there’s anyone you love in your life, whether it’s the dog, your cousin, your brother, your partner, stop and make five minutes eye contact and conversation every single day.’

James Preece says the 2-2-2 rule is good for this. ‘The 2-2-2 Rule encourages couples to spend quality time together - spending two hours together every two weeks, having a special date every two months and taking a trip every two years. You don’t need to be this rigid, but it is a good starting point to help you stay connected.

When was the last time you went on a proper date with your partner? Ideally, it’s something you should aim to do weekly. The idea is to be intentional with your time, avoid falling into a rut, and keep your relationship feeling fresh and fun.’

5. You want to be together 24/7

‘You don't need to be in constant contact with your partner or see them all the time for a healthy relationship,’ says James Preece. ‘A little space allows them a huge gift - the chance to miss you.  This makes the connection stronger and you will both feel more appreciated when you are together. It also prevents complacency.

Don’t feel like you have to say yes to everything either. Pursuing individual interests strengthens the relationship and is key for fostering independence. When you say no, you are embracing vulnerability and standing up for what you really want. It's about setting boundaries when done nicely. Your partner will accept your choice and know that when you do say yes, you are doing it because you really want to. Just remember to compromise most of the time!’

6. You keep saying sorry

Sorry…it’s what we’re taught to say to other people right from kindergarten. But say it too much and you might be doing more harm than good.

‘Apologising is important. It isn’t a weakness but a sign of emotional maturity,’ says James Preece, ‘However, overusing it can undermine confidence and also shift unnecessary blame. This is because it’s often used to end a discussion. If you keep apologising for things, even when it's not your fault, it puts all the blame on you, and nothing ever really gets fixed. So don't tiptoe around someone's emotions but stand up for yourself when it's necessary. Acknowledge feelings and focus on constructive conversations instead. This builds a stronger relationship.’

7. You never go away without the other partner

Shelley Whitehead says going away from each other is a ‘a gift’ and important: ‘It’s about space. Having space creates trust and respect, it’s like when one of the partners goes away perhaps for a week and the other partner has the beautiful space and the other partner comes back and it’s like a beautiful reset. So giving the other space creates a reset.

But maybe one of the partners doesn’t want that? It’s about sitting down together and looking at the need for space. Often there’s one person in a relationship who needs more connection and the other needs more space. When we have that space we come together from a sense of fullness inside ourselves.’

8. You think you should ‘never go to bed on an argument’

Your grandmother probably told you ‘never go to bed on an argument’ but Shelley Whitehead adds that if an argument is still going in the evening, don’t rush to apologise just to clear the air before bed.

‘If we’re in a disconnected state, because they forgot your birthday or said something really harsh, even if this has happened at eight o clock at night don’t try and talk about it for the next four hours because we need sleep,’ she says. ‘Don’t go to sleep in a physically disconnected state. Often people will sleep in opposite sides of the bed after an argument, or another room and a cold war erupts. Agree that you can’t sort it out now, don’t say sorry, just hold hands. Have a physical contact. Because we wake up in the morning and it can be a million times worse. So even that act of holding hands even though there’s a disagreement and ‘I don’t really like you’ I agree to create this connection, so the cold war doesn’t take over. Hold hands with the intention to sort it out tomorrow.’