You can be happy! Find out what psychologists do every day to stay upbeat
Happiness…that hard-to-pin down emotion. You feel it, and before you know it, it can vanish into thin air. You try to hold onto that happy feeling, but can’t.
So how do we train ourselves to stay happy and how do the experts do it? Do they follow their own advice? Here psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists weigh in on how they train themselves to be happy.
‘I walk without my phone’
Ellie Coverdale is a psychologist at Ukwritings.com. She says: ‘Happiness can feel really hard to hold onto and that’s something I hear from so many people. Part of the struggle is that we often think we’ll be happy ONCE. Once we get the job, lose the weight, find the relationship, fix what’s broken, etc. But happiness isn’t a finish line. It’s more like a side effect of living in a way that feels honest and connected. With clients I try to bring it back to small and doable things.
‘For example, I advise them to keep a gratitude list, just 3 things a day. Or to get outside even for 10 minutes. Make time for someone they care about. Pay attention to what takes your energy away and what gives you the energy. It's also important to give yourself permission to feel things and don't judge them. Feelings like sadness, boredom, whatever it is. That actually helps happiness come through more easily. And yes, I try to live this too. For me it's to unplug in the evenings, walk without my phone, having unhurried coffee with someone I love. These things ground me most.’
‘I go wild swimming’
‘Of course, taking care of our mental health is essential,’ says Katherine Cavallo, Psychotherapist and spokesperson for the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), ‘and there are many worthwhile evidence based techniques that can help improve mood.
However, there is a growing trend towards individualism in the way happiness is sought. This negates the fact that we are essentially social animals, intrinsically connected with others. Positive psychology techniques can certainly help improve mood, but they cannot prevent us from grieving the loss of a parent or feeling for our child if they are in pain or worried.
‘Our feelings demonstrate we care deeply. Emotional pain is hard but, in many ways, it’s what makes us human. There are many evidence-based strategies that can improve mental health, such as mindfulness, gratitude and self-compassion. However, research consistently tells us that the most influential factor in improving mental health is strong and supportive relationships, irrespective of our age.
In my clinical practice, alongside proven individual techniques, I support those navigating relationship challenges or wishing to improve closeness and connection with loved ones, whether this is intimacy with a partner, reconnecting with an adult child, or recovering after a relationship has ended. Healthy relationships soothe the nervous system, create emotional resilience, and enable us to thrive, irrespective of what life may throw at us.’
And what does she do to feel happy?
‘My go to happiness technique is wild swimming, combining a number of self-care practices all in one go,’ she says. ‘Being literally immersed in nature feels wonderfully healing. The change in temperature instantaneously creates mindfulness, an acute awareness of the senses and of being alive in the moment. I’ve found it's a great way to meet like-minded people, made some good friends and become part of a community. Nothing beats the shared joy and exuberance of an invigorating cold-water swim.’
‘Being easily pleased is an underrated superpower’
‘I was burning out, so I shifted my work hours’
Dr Sheena Kumar is a chartered psychologist (drsheenakumar.com).
She says: ‘I do practice what I preach. As a health practitioner, I believe it’s essential to live in alignment with what I encourage in others.
‘I actively work on increasing my self-awareness. For example, a few months ago, I noticed I was feeling overwhelmed by all the demands in my life—burning the candle at both ends. I recognised that if I didn’t make some changes, I was on a fast track to burnout. So, even though it wasn’t easy and I felt some resistance, I made practical adjustments: I shifted my work hours and brought in more support.
‘I also stay up to date with the latest research in wellbeing and psychology and try to apply what I learn to my own life. That includes everything from mental health practices to the science of nutrition and exercise—taking care of my physical and emotional health as a whole.
‘Faith is another key part of my wellbeing. It grounds me, helps me stay connected to my values, and gives me a strong sense of purpose. I find it incredibly helpful to look beyond myself and think more existentially. In fact, there’s solid research showing that people who have an active faith tend to experience greater overall wellbeing.
Connection is another big one – I make time for family and close friends because that’s my happy place.
‘Life is busy, so while I’d love to journal, meditate, or volunteer more, those aren’t things I currently have space for, and I don’t pressure myself about it.’
‘Be easily pleased – it’s a superpower’
Dr Hannah Nearney, psychiatrist and mental health expert at Flow Neuroscience says: ‘As a practicing psychiatrist first and foremost I seek to deeply understand the individual patient I am working with to identify any mental health conditions or complexity so that they have access to appropriate treatment choices and support. For example, many people may have an underlying depressive illness or be struggling with something like undiagnosed ADHD which can hugely impact on their ability to enjoy life.
‘Otherwise, it may sound trite, but happiness is genuinely an “inside job”. It’s about listening to your inner voice, understanding what you really find pleasure in, being present in the here and now, practicing daily gratitude, realising you have the power to create (or at least boost) your own happiness, and finding ways to build little pockets of joy into the everyday.’
She adds that for her: ‘Being easily pleased is an underrated superpower in my opinion. There is a great deal of wonder and joy to be found in the mundane if we have the right mindset. I believe that this is why I am a naturally upbeat and cheerful person most of the time.
Regular practices that I use to feel happier include: Gratitude practice via mentally “noting” and appreciating things that are positive or touching, such as seeing elderly people holding hands. Daily walks in nature – these are a great opportunity for me to practice being present in the moment through noticing small details in the countryside such as the plants changing throughout the seasons.
‘Fussing my dog as he is always happy to see me and never fails to make me smile. Listen to upbeat music to shift into a more energetic or cheerful state. Exercising when I don't feel like it because I know it will make everything feel better. Connect with loved ones regularly even if it’s just a quick message or a call. Dressing in clothes that are colourful, and that I enjoy wearing. I always feel happier when I like my outfit. Remind myself not to take things too seriously, allow time for humour, to be playful, and to joke about with the people I love.’
‘I schedule movement and dance into my calendar’
Eloise Skinner (eloiseskinner.com), author and psychotherapist says: ‘For many people, they might not have considered what happiness truly means - or what happiness means to them, as opposed to the expectations of happiness that might be offered to us by our family, peers or cultural values. Without a clear sense of what happiness looks like - a sense that aligns with our personal values, identity and goals in life - we can feel like we're always chasing after something that never feels fulfilling.
‘I'd start by asking yourself: what matters most to me? What are my values? What makes me feel the best, or the most 'alive', or the most fulfilled? This exercise usually provides a good indication of where happiness could be found for each person, and from there it might be possible to plan some practical activities or steps to bring oneself closer to the feeling of happiness on a regular basis.’
Does she practice what she preaches?
She says: ‘I definitely try to - I know that for me, movement and dance are some of my important passions, and so I try to schedule it into my calendar, making it a visible commitment for myself every week. I also try to check in often with myself about my values and priorities, to make sure my life reflects - as much as possible! - the things that really matter to me.’
‘The antidote to depression? Gratitude’
Mark Vahrmeyer, Psychotherapist and spokesperson for the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP) says: ‘Of all the emotions, I believe that happiness is one that people are often most confused about. With the possible exception of anger.
Happiness is a feeling as valid as any other feeling, but it is not a state of mind or long-term achievable life goal. To make it so is a path to misery ironically.
‘Generally when people are aiming to ‘be happy’, they are trying to avoid difficult feelings and paradoxically end up feeling frustrated with themselves and the world that they are not happier and cannot force themselves to be so.
‘There is a big difference between feeling happy as a goal and feeling content. In my mind, contentment is linked to purpose, meaning and life values and is something that can be aimed for. Happiness is more fleeting and linked to gratification in the moment.
‘When working with patients, the two keys to contentment lie in feeling that they can mourn the past - often making them feel unhappy in the short-term - and then in having agency in building a life that is meaningful and purposeful which will be based on their values. Too many of us benchmark ourselves against the values and meaning that others subscribe to, even though these may not align with who we are.
‘This renders us anxious, and we can harbor a sense of shame about the space between what we think is expected of us and what we want for ourselves. Good and effective psychotherapists have gone on their own journey of understanding themselves. Otherwise, they simply cannot be effective in their work. I am someone who rarely feels strongly ‘happy’, however, that does not mean that my life is not deeply meaningful to me and that I am not grateful for what I have built and the luck I have.
‘In working with patients, I will often point out their resilience and what they have claimed for themselves in life. Gratitude is a powerful antidote against depression.’
Would achieving your goals make you happy?
When we're not feeling happy, even the smallest tasks can feel like an uphill struggle. Finding ways to stay motivated and reaching for your goals can be one way of improving your mood – Take our quiz to find out how motivated you are!
