“I challenge the idea that death is a taboo talking topic” An expert reveals why we need to talk about death

Losing a loved one is among the greatest challenges of being human and knowing that death will reach us all one day doesn’t make the matter any easier. From person to person, culture to culture, bereavement can look and feel incredibly different. While some will solemnly mourn, others may collectively celebrate. Traditions and rituals surrounding death are as old as civilisation itself and death has always been an integral part of life.

Despite its inevitability, in Western societies in particular, the focus remains on longevity rather than mortality. Death is a topic many still choose to avoid, until that choice is taken away. Grief, loss and tragedy may well be challenging topics of conversation, but they are important ones – and, in fact, it wasn’t always difficult to talk about death.

The history of mourning

Until the turn of the last century, dying was openly discussed and the customs and practices relating to death and grieving played an important role in our culture. The devastation caused by the World Wars, however, led to a reluctance to discuss death or dying as openly, and the dialogue and rituals declined as a result.

A longer life expectancy also has a part to play. Most of us will experience an ‘expected’ death in the distant future and may well spend our last days in a hospital. Dying in hospitals, hospices and aged care facilities, rather than at home as was done before, has dramatically changed the way in which death is expressed and how dying is experienced in our society. We’re more removed from mortality than ever before.

Talking it through

Yet it seems that the subject of dying is becoming more ‘acceptable’ again. “We have forgotten the dialogue around death and the rituals that we used to have,” says Amanda Blainey, founder of Doing Death (www.doingdeath.com) and host of a Death Cafe (www.deathcafe.com). “But people are now slowly becoming interested in redefining how we view death and how we deal with it.”

Talking openly is a helpful way to prepare for, and cope with, death and bereavement. “I challenge the idea that death is a taboo talking topic,” says Jessie Williams, Executive Officer at The GroundSwell Project. “We start conversations about death and dying every day at GroundSwell – and people are up for it.” Based in Australia, The Groundswell Project’s purpose is to create a more death-literate society, where people and communities have the practical know-how needed to plan well and respond to dying, death and grief.

“It can be a challenging conversation, but everyone has a story about death and dying so they are easily shared once the conversation is opened up,” adds Jessie.

Amanda, who is based in the UK, agrees. “When you give people space to talk about it, they’re happy to discuss their experiences and what they have been through.”

Mindfulness in grief

The fragility of life and the finality of death reminds us we are all mortal. This can teach us how to live life fully, with more awareness than before. To be mindful at any time is to be fully present, on purpose, moment to moment, in a gentle and kind way. That means bringing all of your attention to right now and experiencing the thoughts, feelings, sights and sounds exactly as they are when they unfold – as opposed to controlling or expecting things to be or go a certain way, or missing the moments because you’re distracted. Doing this helps us to become more present to life, love and relationships; to be present as a loved one is dying or to be with our unfolding experience of grief.

Death is an inevitable and integral part of life, and through such loss we get to witness love in all its forms. Death can be a life-changing teacher and can play a significant part in helping each of us to make the most of our moments, teaching us how to live more fully, love more deeply and act more courageously in the finite time we have on this earth.

A practical approach

Creating an open dialogue with your family and friends about dying, as well as planning for the end of your life and what comes next, can be invaluable in preparing for the expected – or the unexpected. Death is always sad, but being proactive can make dealing with it under any circumstances an easier process. “It’s important to do practical things such as making a will, looking at advance care planning and expressing your medical wishes,” Amanda says.

If you’re caring for a loved one with a long-term illness or terminal diagnosis, talking with them about their values as early as possible will help you to assist with planning a more comfortable experience of dying, in accordance with their wishes. During this challenging time, Jessie also emphasises the importance of accepting help and still taking time for yourself.

A wide range of emotional responses may arise when a loved one is chronically ill or has passed away – anything from anger to acceptance, despair to relief. Everyone feels and expresses grief in their own way – the important thing is to give both ourselves, and others, the space to feel and be whatever we need to during the process, and to talk about it when the time is right. Joanna Herman-Waddell is a bereavement counsellor with Cruse (cruse.org.uk). “It is a difficult job, but I wouldn’t want to ever do anything else,” she says. For Joanna, dealing with grief can be hard but can bring positive feelings, such as gratitude. “It allows me to appreciate the trivial things in life as nothing, besides right now, is guaranteed.”

”Memories are all you have left”

Becky Edwards’ husband, Sean, took his own life. Becky has kindly agreed to share her story

“My husband was 38 years old when he took his own life,” says Becky. “We had been together for 24 years, married for 16, and have three sons together.” During the last nine months of his life, Sean was very low, making uncharacteristic choices and changes. “He distanced himself from everyone and wouldn’t accept help or professional support,” she recalls. “He spoke a lot about how we are here for ‘a good time, not a long time’. He also spoke about what he wanted at his funeral, but I would brush it off, not realising he was preparing me to carry out his wishes.

“There are lots of unanswered questions,” Becky admits. “Feelings of hurt, being upset and angry that he has left me and the kids to carry on life without him here. I didn’t just lose my husband – I lost my best friend, lover, father to my children and my soulmate.”

Becky says it’s her connections that have helped her cope: “Amazing family, friends and wider community. The boys and I feel so loved and supported”. The boys’ schools have offered counselling, and Becky takes comfort in people sharing their own stories of bereavement with her, as it allows her to share her story too. “Every day I wake up and say to myself, ‘be strong, you can do this, because Sean knew you could,’ then every night I think ‘I did it, I got through another day.’

“We talk about Sean every day,” continues Becky. “When the children are making choices, I ask them, ‘what would your dad say?’. We have always been an open family but now I make sure even more that the boys are talking to me. We spent Father’s Day and Sean’s birthday together in special places that we all visited, talking, laughing and crying about our memories.” The boys are comforted by this ongoing presence. “My youngest son collects white feathers everywhere we go, saying, ‘look, my dad has left a feather from his wings, he’s here watching us!’”

“I’ve learnt that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I know I can do anything in life – nothing is impossible or scary, as I have just been through the worst thing imaginable. I’ve also learnt that even at the darkest time of your life, you can be surrounded by so much life. When you feel like you can’t stand and walk, people are around to lift and carry you.”

The events have transformed how Becky now sees the world. “The only things that matter are love, family, friends and making memories – when you lose someone, memories are all you have left.”

If you’re feeling low and need to talk to someone, contact the Samaritans on 116 123.

How to help someone who is grieving

Positive Psychologist, Jannice Jones (www.jannicejones.com) shares six ways to support loved ones through loss.

Grief is one of life’s most painful yet inevitable experiences and losing a loved one can shake a person’s sense of identity, purpose, and emotional well-being. While nothing can erase the pain of loss, there are meaningful ways to support someone who is grieving.

Third wave Positive psychology, the scientific study of well-being and human flourishing, does not dismiss suffering but instead focuses on resilience, meaning-making, and personal growth. By incorporating its principles, we can support our loved ones in ways that truly honour their unique grieving process.

Here are six compassionate and research-backed ways to help a grieving loved one.

1. Practice Active Listening and Presence

When someone we care about is grieving, we often feel the urge to "fix" their pain with advice or reassurance, but one of the most powerful things we can offer is simply our presence.

Active listening means being fully engaged in the conversation, without interrupting or rushing to offer solutions. Instead of trying to make the person feel better with statements like "They're in a better place now" or "At least they lived a long life," focus on validating their emotions, and say things like:

• "I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, but I’m here to listen."
• "What’s on your mind today? No pressure, just know that I’m here."

By offering your time and a listening ear, you create a safe space for them to express their emotions without judgment.

2. Encourage Self-Compassion and Acceptance

Grief can often bring feelings of guilt, regret, or self-judgment. Your loved one may struggle with thoughts like, "I should have spent more time with them," or "I shouldn’t be feeling this way anymore." Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that treating oneself with kindness rather than harsh self-criticism is essential for emotional healing. Encourage your loved one to:

• Speak to themselves with the same kindness they would offer a friend.
• Acknowledge that grief is a deeply personal journey with no "right" way to navigate it.
• Let go of expectations about how long grief should last, every timeline is unique.

Gently remind them that all their emotions, no matter how conflicting or overwhelming, are valid.

3. Foster Gratitude Without Forcing Positivity

Gratitude can be a powerful tool in difficult times, but it should never be forced. Toxic positivity, the idea that people should "just stay positive", can be invalidating for someone experiencing deep loss. Instead, gently encourage moments of gratitude in a way that acknowledges their grief. This could be through:

• Reflecting on cherished memories of the loved one they lost.
• Keeping a journal where they write down one small moment of beauty or comfort each day.
• Encouraging them to notice small acts of kindness from others, reinforcing that they are not alone.

This practice doesn’t erase pain but helps create a balance between sorrow and appreciation for what remains.

4. Support Meaning-Making and Growth

Research on post-traumatic growth by psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun shows that many people experience profound personal development after experiencing grief and trauma. While this doesn’t mean grief is a "gift," it does mean that, over time, some individuals find deeper meaning in their experience. You can help your loved one explore this by:

• Encouraging them to find ways to honour their loved one’s legacy (e.g., creating a memory book, starting a charity initiative, or sharing their loved one’s story).
• Supporting them in exploring new perspectives about life or purpose.
• Gently reminding them that while loss changes us, it does not mean the end of love or connection.

Grief is often the birthplace of wisdom, deeper empathy, and new ways of seeing the world.

5. Promote Well-Being Through Small Actions

Grief often disrupts daily routines, making basic self-care feel overwhelming. While it’s important not to pressure your loved one into moving forward too quickly, small actions can help rebuild a sense of normalcy and emotional stability.Rather than offering generic advice like "Take care of yourself," consider:

• Offering to go for a short walk with them.
• Running them a bath with their favourite bubbles in.
• Cooking them a meal or bringing them their favourite food.
• Suggesting gentle activities like journaling, listening to music, or engaging in creative expression.

Often, grief can make people feel isolated, so your presence in these small moments can be deeply healing.

6. Be Patient and Offer Ongoing Support

Grief doesn’t have an expiration date and while support is often abundant immediately after a loss, it can fade as weeks and months go by. However, many people need the most support long after the initial shock has worn off, so ways to show ongoing support include:

• Checking in periodically with a simple text: "Thinking of you today. No need to respond, just wanted you to know I’m here."
• Remembering significant dates like birthdays or anniversaries and acknowledging them.
• Understanding that grief can resurface in waves—on holidays, in unexpected moments, and even years later.

Your patience and continued presence can make a profound difference.

Supporting a grieving loved one requires deep compassion, patience, and an understanding that healing doesn’t happen on a set timeline. By listening without judgment, encouraging self-compassion, and fostering moments of gratitude and meaning, we can help those we love find moments of light even in their darkest times.

Grief changes people, but with support, it can also lead to resilience, transformation, and a renewed appreciation for life and sometimes, the most profound thing we can do is simply walk beside someone in their pain, reminding them they are not alone.