'I had to Google some of his sex fetishes.' Dating confessions that will make you cringe
Let us set the scene. It’s Friday night. You’ve worked hard all week, and you’re finally ready to relax. After buying a new outfit, spending hours getting ready and sending endless messages on a group chat for that supportive pep talk from your mates. You’re ready for a great date, and they may even be the one.
Maybe not the right one, though. The ‘odd’ one. The ‘didn’t pay for the bill’ one. The ‘was a bit intense’ one. To find the person right for you, you’ve likely kissed a few frogs to find your ‘happily ever after’ in the end. Or you may even still be battling among the frogs, gathering more bizarre dating stories to share with friends and laugh about afterwards.
In a YouGov Survey of US daters, of people in and out of relationships, 80% of people shared that they had been on a wonderful date, while 50% shared that they had been on a terrible one.
It may have been a blind date set up by a friend, a double date to help break the tension, or an online match that actually ended up with plans outside of a text message. We’ve asked you what your most memorable dates have looked like, for better or for worse.
From awkward flirting, failed chat-up lines and dates that you can’t wait to leave – these are the dating experiences that you can’t help but laugh at.
The ‘side of awkwardness’
‘When I went on my first ever date with a guy to the cinema, he said it was just a cinema date, so I ate dinner before. We got there and he was like ‘let’s go to Nando’s’, and I had to tell him I’d already eaten... So, I had to sit opposite him at Nando’s as he ate while I had nothing. It was really awkward.’
The ‘couldn’t learn a new pick-up line’
‘When I graduated, I was sitting next to one guy on our own. The ceremony lasted ages, and to fill the time, we started flirting with each other, mainly because it was something to do. I didn’t catch his name, but we were from the same hometown. The next time I visited my family, I got a message from him on Hinge, saying ‘Funny to see you here’. We chatted and flirted some more, but it quickly fizzled out without the excitement of graduation gowns and added booze.
‘Three months later, when I next went home, I got a message from the same boy saying ‘Funny to see you here, again’. I would’ve been mortified that I was still single if the message wasn’t so funny. He still didn’t get a reply.’
The ‘organised assassin’
‘My roommate once arranged three dates back-to-back with each other. He even had to excuse himself from one of the dates as it began to overrun, and he told the girl he was on a date with that he had to leave to go on his third date of the day. I saw him write pros and cons lists for all the girls afterwards.’
The ‘not-smooth operator’
‘My friend and I went out for drinks in the summer and were sitting in a bar chatting. Two guys came over to us to start chatting with us both. After about five minutes, they shared a nod and then swapped which girl they were chatting with. The new guy started explaining to me that he was visiting the city to perform, and he began explaining the art of playing acoustic guitar and his life as a busker.
‘He then asked me if I had ever heard of Marvin Gaye, and after swerving out of an unreciprocated kiss, he tried to start licking my face as his next move. The only thing I wanted to order from the bar from then was as much antibac as I could find.’
The ‘dancing queen’
‘I once went to a disco at the local church hall, and I must’ve been about 12 or 13. There were about four couples on the dancefloor. A guy that I liked asked me for a slow dance to George Michael’s Careless Whisper. The only thing was that I’d never slow danced with a boy before, and it was pretty obvious as the DJ had to say on the microphone to a bunch of tweens ‘this is where to put your hands for girls, and this is what to do for the boys'.
The ‘did you even listen’
‘My ex wanted me to send naughty photos of me, but I’d just found out a family friend had died. He said, ‘But can you not still send a photo?’. Huh?! Did you hear what I just said?!’
The ‘worse for wear wizard’
‘When I first joined a dating app, I had no idea what to do. What messages are cool and flirty but not too intense? I passed my phone to my friend that I trusted and asked them to help me out. I woke up the next morning, confused at why I had so many notifications buzzing on my phone, just to find out that they’d spent hours sending flirty texts to a stranger pretending to be me, using only Harry Potter puns, trivia and pick-up lines. I’d not even seen all of the Harry Potter films before, but I’ve never been able to watch the films again after reading those messages.’
The ‘wrong vibe’
‘I had been talking to a guy for a couple of weeks, and we decided to meet. He arranged the whole thing which I found really attractive. The bar was gorgeous and he’d reserved an area with a cosy sofa so we could sit together. Straight away, there were sparks. After the first cocktail, he leaned in close to whisper something in my ear.
‘I blushed waiting for him to compliment me, but instead he said in a soft voice, ‘So tell me… how many d*cks have you had?’ I should have thrown my drink in his face, but I was so shocked I replied, in Strictly Come Dancing Len Goodman style, ‘Sevvveeen!’ No idea why. Wasn’t even true! I made my excuses and left…’
The ‘ex-obsessed’
‘I once went on a date with a girl, and she spoke about her ex the whole time – they’d broken up six months ago.’
The ‘super saver’
‘I went on a dinner date when I was about 17 or 18. Before we got to the restaurant, he asked if we could go to Tesco. I was like ‘yeah, sure’. When we went there, he asked me to buy him some wipes so he could clean his shoes.
‘He said he didn’t want to look scruffy because his shoes were dirty. I was like ‘ok then’, joking, asking ‘how are we going to get food if you can’t afford 70p?’. He said that considering I was paying for the date it was the least I could do, then at the till, he scanned his own Clubcard.’
The ‘awkward encounter’
‘I think this was early last year, I agreed to meet up with a guy in Cardiff (I wouldn't usually go that far but I wanted to shop anyway), and he came from beyond Swansea (which I didn't realise at the time, I thought he was from Cardiff). We met and went to get lunch from a cute American-style place, which was nice, but all he really talked about was Mario. We then went to try and play mini golf but they didn’t have any bookings available so we went to play pool instead (I won every game) also it was torrential rain that day and he wouldn’t let me hold my own umbrella but he held it so high (so he could go under it too) that I was getting blasted by the rain so I was soaked.
‘After we played, we sat and had a few drinks, and I was hit with 'what’s your favourite colour', 'what’s your favourite animal' and 'where do you see yourself in 5 years'’. He also looked at me and sighed and said, 'I love thick thighs'. I also got told 'you have a really cute lisp'. We then left because I had to catch the train back, and we were a little early to the station, so we sat at a table to wait, and he just lingered with his hand on my cheek for like 5 seconds, I guess expecting a kiss? It was really weird and awkward. I messaged him straight away on the train, saying I didn’t see it going any further and I wished him the best…
The ‘puppy love’
‘My ex-boyfriend was jealous of how cute I found my dog, so he dragged his bum across my living room floor. Not his bare bum, thankfully.’
The ‘key, but not to his heart’
‘After matching with a guy online, we started to chat. I loved how he was asking me so many questions – he seemed genuinely invested getting to know me. Then he said he was going to send me a top ten list of things he liked and I was to pick my top five in order.
‘I was excited to see all his hobbies and passions in a list and find out more about him. Paddleboarding? Wine tasting? Roast dinners? Then it arrived. It was a list of 10 extreme sex acts and fetishes that he wanted me to rank in order. I’m not a prude in the slightest, but some I had to Google. I blocked him but I do regret not taking him up on number 5 which was giving me the key to his chastity cage. I would have chucked it in a river!’
The ‘short of expectations’
‘I was once dressed up in a homemade priest costume for a night out with my mates. We’d drunkenly stumbled into a Scottish-themed bar where lots of the bar staff were wearing kilts as uniforms. I ordered a drink and was chatting with my friends, but then the bartender came over and wouldn’t stop trying to chat me up.
‘I didn’t realise that the bar was raised, as when he walked over, he suddenly got shorter and shorter, until I realised that I was taller than him. I’m only 5’3. When I woke up the next morning, I figured that my bad headache was from too much booze, until I remembered that the guy had kept pulling my hair, so I’d bend my head down to chat with him. At one point, he just began ruffling my hair like you would to a dog. It’s safe to say I never thought being dressed as a priest would be the least weird thing to happen that night.’
The ‘wrong taste’
‘I once went on a few dates with a butcher, but had to stop dating him because I was a vegetarian. It just got too awkward after a while.’
The ‘failure to launch’
‘This guy wanted to do a certain number-based sex act, let’s say, which I think is overrated, but each to their own. So, we started, and then it seemed like the passion was gone on his end. I said, ‘Is there a problem?’. He just said he wasn’t feeling it in the end, and it was so awkward, so I just went home.
‘I got home… found out I’d just come on my period.’
The ‘bar mat’
‘I chatted non-stop with a guy I met online for about three weeks, and we got on great. We’d chat all day, every day, so I asked him out. We went for drinks at a few bars, but by our fourth round, he slipped up and showed me his phone, where it turns out he’d been mass texting lots of girls nonstop. His phone kept going off with notifications from other girls, but I’d started to get the ick after he started acting really drunk when we got our fourth drink.
‘He’d come to the city I lived in on the train, and as we left the bar at 1 am, he confessed that he had no plans on how to get home and was going to sleep in the station. I felt bad as he seemed quite drunk, so I told him he could sleep on my sofa and get a train in the morning. He was so drunk I had to link my arm around his and half carry him to my flat, where he flexed his muscles the whole time in a half-bothered attempt for the date to have a nice ending. I tried not to laugh after he fell on my doormat.’
The ‘groupie’
‘On my 50th birthday, I went to a bar in Edinburgh to celebrate. There was live music, whisky flowing, and it was a good time all around. It was just as we were coming out of the COVID-19 pandemic, where you had to have a COVID pass to enter clubs, restaurants and bars.
‘There was a guy at the door smoking as I was entering, so I gave him my name and number as I thought he worked on security and was checking people’s passes. It turns out that he was just the drummer of the band taking a break, which he had to break to me as I’d walked in and just immediately given him my number. I got made fun of for the rest of the evening, and everyone kept yelling, ‘she’s with the band’.
10 ways to tell you’re on a bad date
So, you’re on a date, and you’re trying to tell if you can feel a spark, or if it’s actually a feeling that you want to run away. Giving someone a second chance can always be a great way to see if you’re compatible, but don’t ever feel like you have to stay on a date that you don’t want to be on. These are some of the telltale signs that your date should be the one who does get away:
- They only talk about themselves
- You’re never asked any questions
- They’re rude to the waiting staff
- They drink too much
- Their personal hygiene is non-existent
- You can tell they’re only there for one thing
- The only thing they’re paying attention to is their phone
- They look completely different to their dating profile
- It’s hard to remember why you liked them in the first place
- It feels like you want to run away as soon as possible
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