Stand-up comedian reveals the secret to finding your confidence
Imagine this: you’re standing in front of a room of your peers, partially blinded by a bright light, your hands are clammy, you can taste the salt from the sweat dripping from your forehead, and your biggest nightmare has come true – your mind is blank. What were you supposed to say? How can you style out this mortifying moment that will replay itself in your head?
A lack of confidence doesn’t have to torment your life, but it can be a temporary blip on the route to becoming your most authentic self.
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The root of the problem
If you've always struggled with confidence, it’s probably something that’s been discouraged throughout your life. In a research study from Girlguiding, 54% of girls aged 11-16 shared that they were fearful of appearing too confident in front of boys for fear of becoming targets of abuse.
When we’re teaching girls and young people that confidence and sharing their thoughts is something that will expose them to risk or hate, we’re leaving them with poor communication skills to help them navigate adulthood.
That child inside of you who may have been too shy to raise their hand in class could now be the person anxious to speak up during meetings at work, through no fault of your own. 75% of people around the world admit that public speaking is a source of social anxiety. It’s not a pattern we want to see repeating across generations, with 58% of 11–21-year-olds sharing that they wanted to focus on building their confidence to become ‘leaders of the future’.
Finding your voice
Your confidence isn’t gone; it just needs to be at the front of your thinking. Having the power to speak your mind, accomplish tasks that intimidate you and display small acts of bravery can be one of the most courageous choices you can make. That work starts with you.
Viv Groskop is a comedian, TV and radio presenter, and writer of How to Own the Room: Women and the Art of Brilliant Speaking. Her podcast, How to Own the Room, has seen Viv interview global figures setting the example for public speaking, from Margaret Atwood, to Hillary Clinton and Nadiya Hussain.
As an expert in empowering people to feel confident in themselves, Viv explains: ‘Public speaking often rates as the number one fear for people when they are asked about it in surveys.
‘This is widely publicised and dates back to an overblown headline that came out in the 1970s saying that people are more afraid of public speaking than they are of death. When you dig into it, it’s not quite what people were saying. And it even sounds pretty extreme when you think about it. I mean, I’ve “died” on stage with the best of them as a comedian. And I confirm that actual death has got to be at least slightly worse. Dying on stage is horrible. But you still get to wake up the next day.
‘Having talked to thousands of people about this in detail over the past ten years, I have a different theory: people are scared by the idea of public speaking. The reality of it is, once they get over their hang-ups and actually do it, is very different and surprisingly manageable. Sometimes it’s even an anti-climax. It is, after all, just speaking as yourself in front of other people, and we all do that in everyday life all the time. It really is not that big a deal.
‘We need to be less scared by the “idea” of things. Think to yourself: “What proof do I have that this would be so difficult? What proof do I have that I would not be able to do this well?” We are just terrifying ourselves unnecessarily. Many people report that once they actually start to do the speaking, it’s nothing like as bad as they feared, in fact, they kind of like it.’
Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable
When you open your mouth and feel like no words come out, having what feels like an endless sea of eyes staring at you can amplify that painful awkwardness that your head is imagining.
Learning to become comfortable with added attention, no matter how small or large a group you’re in, can make you feel empowered to take control of the conversation and leave a positive impression.
Sometimes the smallest effort can help us to speak up in social or work settings that may make us feel anxious, and can inspire us to take bolder steps in the future, as Viv explains: ‘The best piece of advice is to get on the horse outside of work first. How can you have a go at this but keep the stakes low?
‘Force yourself to tap your glass next time you’re somewhere where you can give a toast. Just do it. Do not prepare a speech. Just tap the glass and say, “A toast to… the host! To [insert name]!” And smile. That’s it. No more ambitious than that. Just don’t insert your own name and you’ve won. (And even if you end up toasting yourself by accident, everyone will think it’s funny, so you get the laugh as consolation.)
‘The biggest part of boosting your confidence is to get practice at receiving that moment of “all eyes on me” and proving to yourself that you can handle it. Give one-sentence thank you speeches at birthdays (“I just want to thank everyone for coming — and happy birthday!”) or give an acknowledgement to the host (“I just wanted to say on behalf of everyone — thanks for having us here today”). Keep it small and manageable. Then you can build up to something longer with bigger stakes. Very short toasts are your friend.’
Building your confidence, brick by brick
Nobody wakes up and magically has the confidence to change their life. In the tiniest of battles that you accomplish every day, you take a step closer to becoming the confident version of yourself that you hope to see in the mirror. If you want to grow your confidence, try out these challenges to push you out of your comfort zone:
- Chat with your local barista and ask them about their day
- Join a new exercise class or club to try a new skill and meet new people
- Explore a part of your local area that you’ve never been to before
- Try out a new recipe in a cuisine that you don’t often eat
- Contribute actively to a meeting at work
- If someone says something that makes you uncomfortable, politely tell them, rather than staying quiet
- Wear a new outfit to explore your style
They may seem like small tasks, but every example of a captivating public speaker has had to start somewhere. Little exercises that aim to build your confidence each day will have a big impact in helping you achieve your long-term goals.
If you feel like you were once one of those young women or girls hoping to build their confidence to become a ‘leader of the future’, it’s never too late. Looking for a positive role model to learn from can help you to improve your communication skills, whether that’s actively listening to those around you, remembering to pause for breath when chatting, or keeping calm during challenging times.
If you’re searching for inspiration or simply need a photo of a public speaker to put on your vision board, Viv shares that there’s one great example who is sure to motivate you: ‘For me, the absolute GOAT of public speaking is Michelle Obama.
‘She had to get up to speed very fast in her role as First Lady, and she has been very open about the fact that she did not necessarily find that easy. It took thought, preparation and hard work. I strongly recommend watching the Netflix documentary Becoming. That really shows how Michelle Obama prepares just as much for her state of mind as she does for the content of a speech.
‘Ahead of stressful moments in front of huge audiences, she listens to music so that she remains relaxed and calm. Very few people talk about how you actually achieve this state of relaxation and how important it is to be physically ready to get up in front of people. There is the intellectual work (the writing and prep of a speech), and there is the performance work (how you will deliver it). But the personal, internal work of being comfortable and relaxed in yourself… That is the work that no one else can do on your behalf.
‘You have to actually have a plan as to how you’re going to get there, whether that’s by listening to music, making sure you are well-rested, dancing around before you go on stage, sitting and meditating or whatever it is that you personally need. Michelle Obama is not afraid to model that essential part of public speaking: being comfortable in yourself as a person.’
How can I ace my next presentation?
When you feel confident to take charge at work, that positivity translates to your personal life. After all, travelling to a new place alone or wearing an outfit that feels a bit ‘out there’ suddenly feels like no big deal after you won everyone over at your company presentation.
Working on improving your public speaking should be a commitment you make to boosting your personal wellbeing, as Viv explains: ‘Public speaking is only really another way of saying “speaking.” The more comfortable you feel speaking up in any part of your life, the more confident and comfortable you will feel in life generally.
‘I am not talking about becoming someone who always speaks up, who is loud and declamatory and who has to take the floor in every situation. (Although if that’s who you are, then go for it, you probably don’t need my help.) I am talking about allowing yourself to “be” around other people, without feeling that you are being silenced or made to feel small or that you have something to say but you’re too afraid to say it. The more you can practise using your voice in the way you want to use it, the more you feel in control in life.’
When it feels like you’re ready to bring that momentum into your professional career, work towards a big goal with a similar strategy. It may be offering a question or idea in a team meeting, or offering to lead in a group talk – we’ll leave the ambitious activity for you to choose from with your newfound charisma and communication skills.
Perfecting public speaking
Sometimes, public speaking can feel like a phenomenal burden on our calendar. That big presentation feels like a terror-inducing note in our diary, where we’re worried we’ll stutter, stammer, forget the words or make a complete fool of ourselves
There’s no shame in feeling intimidated by public speaking, but with a few simple calming and confidence-building techniques, you’ll even be volunteering to lead your next team meeting in no time.
These are some of the subtle ways that you can reboot your confidence and tackle public speaking with ease:
- Focus: Find a central object in the room to focus on if you find eye contact hard to deal with. It can help you forget how many people you’re talking to and make faces appear less intimidating.
- Breathe: When you’re rushing through your words, stopping to pause for breath can help you regain a calm pace and feel more in control of the discussion, without your mouth having a mind of its own.
- Calm: If you stutter or stumble, don’t beat yourself up about it. Everyone makes mistakes in public speaking, but you need to make sure that you don’t let it stop you from pushing your boundaries again in the future. The aim is to keep trying, even when it feels hard, to know that your voice counts and is worth being listened to.
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