Group chat red flags: Subtle signs a friend may need support
Words by Ella Calland
Photos by Getty
Checking in with your mates is one of the simplest and most powerful ways to be a supportive friend. When 1 in 4 people experience a mental health issue each year in England, and over 23% of adults in the US reported a mental illness last year (that’s more than 60 million people), chances are we all know someone who’s going through a tough time.
The problem? Many of us don’t know how to ask for help or how to notice when someone else might need it, leading many people to suffer in silence. Signs of depression and anxiety aren’t always obvious, particularly when someone is trying to mask how they’re truly feeling. Instead, they can show up in subtle, easily dismissed changes in behaviour.
When someone starts to withdraw, their messages in the group chat – or lack of them – might be the only real clue to how they’re doing. Here are some subtle group chat red flags that could signal your friend is struggling with their mental health.
1. Self-deprecating jokes
If a friend is constantly putting themselves down, it may be a sign of something deeper than just a dark sense of humour. Self-deprecation and sarcasm are sometimes used as a coping mechanism for hidden insecurities. While this kind of humour can be light-hearted or modest, over time it can take a psychological toll and reflect underlying issues with self esteem.
There is an important distinction between not taking yourself too seriously and tearing yourself apart. Comments like “I suck at everything” or constant jokes about appearance or a failing career can cross the line into self-loathing. These moments shouldn’t be brushed off. A gentle but supportive response like: “hey! that’s my friend you’re talking about”, can help break the pattern of self-deprecation and remind them they’re not alone.
2. Heavy oversharing that’s out of character
They’re suddenly using your group chat like a diary, sending long paragraphs of intimate details and personal problems out into the void. This can be alarming, particularly in a large group chat of a wide social circle rather than a small group of close friends. It may be a sign that they’re struggling to reach out to the people they trust the most and resorting to a digital cry for help. When a friend starts venting on the group chat, check in with them privately and let them know you’re there to listen one-on-one.
3. They’re hard to get hold of
If your friend is starting to feel like a silent bystander in the group chat – occasionally reacting with a heart or a thumbs up, but never properly joining in on the conversation – it could be a subtle red flag that they’re not doing well. When their life updates dry up completely, this kind of quiet withdrawal could mean they’re struggling and don’t know how to say it out loud, so they opt for saying very little instead. If you’re constantly being left on read or getting one-word replies, suggest a phone call or FaceTime for a proper catch-up.
4. Constant negativity or irritability
Does almost every conversation quickly turn negative? Do they seem unusually snappy or irritable? This could be a sign they’re feeling emotionally drained. While everyone has off days, a pessimistic shift in tone could mean they’re struggling to see the positives or unable to cope with the everyday. Small things may repeatedly set them off on a rant, with minor inconveniences being blown totally out of proportion. This kind of irrational reaction can be a sign that someone is overwhelmed rather than simply in a bad mood. Try not to take blunt or defensive messages personally; a short temper is often a sign of something deeper.
5. Late-night messages
Waking up to messages or reels from a friend sent at 2am could be a cause for concern. Maybe your friend is a night owl, and so a stream of late-night messages isn’t out of the ordinary. But consistently staying up until the early hours can be linked to poor mental health. If this nocturnal activity is a new habit, it can suggest they’re struggling to switch off, caught in cycles of overthinking, and using their phone as a distraction when everything goes quiet. The silence and loneliness of nighttime can cause thoughts to feel louder, and scrolling on the phone can become a way of avoiding being alone with them.
6. Constant comparisons
If they’re frequently comparing themselves to others – sharing Instagram posts from old classmates, friends or colleagues having babies or getting promotions – while feeling like their own life isn’t matching up, it may point to low confidence or feeling lost. Phrases like “everyone else has it figured out” or “I’m so behind” can hint that they’re being hard on themselves and getting lost in the comparison game.
7. Obsessing over past events
Repeatedly bringing up old mistakes, arguments, or embarrassing moments can be a sign that someone is stuck in a loop of regret and dealing with low self-esteem. If they’re still ruminating over the time they forgot the host’s name at a party or the boy who broke their heart in 2007, it may suggest they’re struggling to move forward emotionally, still hung up on the past.
8. Avoiding plans
A friend who’s hard to pin down could be a friend in need. Consistently cancelling plans, making excuses, or never committing to a motive is classic avoidant behaviour. Though it can be tempting to take repeated rejection personally and feel frustrated by a friend who doesn’t make the effort, it’s important to cut them some slack first – they could be going through a rough time. Reach out with a small plan, perhaps meeting for a coffee or a short walk in the park, to meet them halfway. A group trip to the pub could feel like a huge task for someone not feeling their best.
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