This is why you should date someone you have nothing in common with, says relationship expert
Dating is hard. It’s endless scrolling on apps, spending hours to get ready for that ‘I just threw this together’ effortlessly chic look and constantly comparing yourself to everyone around you.
It’s no wonder that when we are actively dating, we stick to what’s comfortable. Who we know, friends of friends or work colleagues. But the key to finding a lasting relationship may be in breaking down our comfort zone and mixing with people we’ve never chatted with before.
Take the smash-hit Netflix original Nobody Wants This. The show tackles an age-old question: can two people from different worlds actually make it? (with a modern twist with the different worlds of a rabbi and a sex podcaster).
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It's exactly the type of old-fashioned mindset that HayleyBystram, dating expert and founder of Bowes-Lyon Partnership, is trying to dismantle: ‘Modern dating apps have made the process increasingly superficial!
‘The algorithms prioritise surface-level commonalities, such as hobbies or interests, yet those are not the foundations on which meaningful, lasting relationships are built. What truly matters are shared morals, values, and aspirations, and these are qualities that an algorithm cannot reliably detect.’
Research from Match’s Singles In America survey found that 35% of singles find that shared values are crucial in a relationship. It also found that 48% valued kindness and empathy as key traits they look for in a partner, shadowed by 90% of singles sharing that sexual chemistry is a critical part of a relationship.
‘At the same time, the way people interact online has shifted dating away from genuine connection. Conversations remain confined to messaging platforms, creating a sense of a ‘digital pen-pal relationship rather than opportunities to get to know someone face-to-face. Without that personal interaction, it is much harder to build trust, depth, or emotional intimacy, and this rarely translates into long-term success, so these are short-lived, flash-in-the-pan style relationships that people seem to have on repeat.
‘And this is where we come in,’ explains Hayley. ‘A professional matchmaking agency like Bowes-Lyon takes the time to understand an individual at a deeper level, moving beyond algorithms and superficial matches. We introduce people in a more intentional, personal way, and we create the conditions for authentic chemistry and long-lasting partnerships. We’ve seen a huge membership increase in the past two years, from the younger generations, as a result of this lack of success from the digital platforms.’
Creating long-lasting relationships with a person you may not have considered before can be the perfect way to turn a stranger into someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Hayley answers some of Gathered’s top concerns on how we can find romance in the most unlikely of strangers.
Is sharing the same hobbies important?
Sharing a hobby can be great. It saves the awkward fumbling when looking for a first date idea and immediately gives you something to bond over.
So it’s no surprise that a third of singles are now stating that a shared hobby and interest is the basis for them to start a relationship, ranking it even more important than physical appearance.
‘My advice is to look beyond the surface,’ says Hayley. ‘The right partner isn’t necessarily the one who shares every hobby or preference, but the one who aligns with your values, outlook, and aspirations for the future. Chemistry matters, of course, but it’s shared principles that create longevity.
‘When members come to us, they’re often repeating patterns - meeting similar types of people, in the same ways, only to find those relationships don’t last. We encourage them to break those habits, to test the edges of their boundaries, and to explore outside their comfort zone. It’s often the smallest adjustment that makes the biggest difference, and we’ve seen countless success stories from members who embraced that shift. Even if you’re not ready to join an agency, try broadening your online profile parameters, or recruit friends to help refresh your search - a new set of eyes can open up new possibilities.’
What if you don’t have the same political beliefs?
As politics becomes more partisan, so does our dating lives. Finding someone to connect with can be tough, and it’s not made any easier by our political views moving further away from each other on the spectrum.
IPSOS discovered that 42% of people think that political views are important in bonding in a relationship. When it comes to political compatibility, most people say it would be easier to date someone who has more liberal views compared to someone with traditional values.
When it comes to who ticks all our boxes, it’s hard to know which dating candidate will be getting our vote of confidence as a partner. Finding a compromise doesn’t have to leave either party dissatisfied, Hayley shares:
‘People often think they need a partner who mirrors their lifestyle, hobbies, or opinions exactly, but that can actually become quite dull. A little difference can be refreshing - it sparks curiosity, challenges your perspective, and can even inspire new ideas or interests.
‘Take JD Vance and his wife Usha, for example: she was once a registered Democrat, while he is now the Republican Vice President. They don’t agree on everything politically, yet they’ve built a strong marriage based on shared values, and she has commented on how their views on family are their strongest held common value. It shows that what matters most isn’t identical opinions, but respect, balance, and common ground where it truly counts.’
Can you have a long-term relationship with someone from a different cultural background to you?
Yes! It’s not impossible to form a relationship with someone who may have different traditions, religious beliefs, or cultural heritage from us. In fact, it shouldn’t be seen as a barrier at all.
Despite traditional methods of dating and matchmaking aligning couples based on shared experiences, this trend is changing. Research is highlighting that dating apps are slowly encouraging us to broaden our expectations and non-negotiable traits in a relationship by expanding our dating circle online.
‘Dating someone from a different cultural background can be incredibly enriching,’ encourages Hayley. ‘Instead of looking at differences as obstacles, approach them with curiosity and respect. It’s an opportunity to learn new traditions, perspectives, and ways of seeing the world, which often strengthens the bond between two people. Again, it goes back to what matters most, and it’s not identical heritage, but shared values, mutual respect, and a genuine interest in each other’s worlds.’
Talking about your differences can also be key to not making your relationship have any awkwardness or taboo conversations.
According to DAZED, the class ceiling in dating is making a lot of singles feel uncomfortable when not discussing topics like privilege and financial backgrounds. It means that many people defer to ‘assortative mating’, where they only date people from the same social class or privilege as themselves.
What about long-distance relationships?
‘Long-distance relationships can absolutely work if they’re built on trust, communication, and a clear sense of shared goals,’ Hayley recommends.
‘Of course, living close by helps with spontaneity and regular time together, which can make a relationship blossom faster. But we’re also big advocates that time apart can be just as important in those early stages - it builds anticipation, heightens excitement, and makes the moments together all the more meaningful.’
Looking for love in another country doesn’t just have to be for reality television or our favourite novels, as Hayley explains: ‘As someone passionate about English literature and the learnings from the novels of Jane Austen, I often think of Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Robert Browning, whose love letters show the blossoming of a relationship over long distance.
‘Interestingly, we saw a modern version of that during the lockdowns, when many of our members had to slow down and adjust their dating habits, such as taking socially distanced walks in the park, and some even got into the habit of writing one another letters.
‘That slower, more intentional pace led to deeper connections and, in many cases, a higher relationship success. The complete opposite of the constant swiping and ‘is the grass greener elsewhere’ disposable outlook that has been fostered by the online platforms. Ultimately, when couples have real compatibility in values and aspirations, distance, whether imposed by geography or circumstance, can pale into insignificance.’
What’s the key to a successful age-gap relationship?
Five years? Ten years? Twenty? However you define your maximum age limit for dating, widening your horizons can help you to experience a new relationship with someone you may have never previously considered.
‘The key to making an age-gap relationship work is to focus on compatibility where it really counts: values, outlook on life, and future aspirations,’ shares Hayley. ‘Age itself doesn’t determine success -respect, balance, and a willingness to embrace each other’s worlds do.’
The average age gap in a couple is 3 years, where men in heterosexual relationships are often reported as the older partner. When you explore a relationship with someone older or younger than you would normally date, this may open your love life to new experiences.
Hayley warns: ‘That said, we do encourage couples of a similar age to meet, as it naturally means they are more likely to share life experiences, cultural references, and stages of life, which can make a relationship feel easier and more aligned and balanced. At Bowes-Lyon, our role is to help members find that balance by encouraging open-mindedness while ensuring matches are made with the greatest chance of long-term success.’
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