How, and when, to cut a toxic person from your life
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No one enjoys ending a relationship – it’s one of the most difficult conversations we can ever have. However, sometimes the people closest to us don’t contribute to our wellbeing at all – in fact, they do the opposite, bringing stress, anxiety and even trauma with every encounter. Do you have someone ‘toxic’ in your life? How should you navigate protecting your own energy when it comes at the cost of a friend, partner or a relative?
Ang Allan-Burns, globally recognised Divorce Healing Specialist, bestselling author, podcaster and Founder of Life Coach says, ‘Cutting ties with toxic individuals is one of the hardest and often most necessary decisions a person can make to protect their mental and emotional wellbeing. The timing depends on a combination of personal boundaries, patterns of behaviour and the overall impact on your health.’
Gemma Logan, relationship expert at The Brighton Bucket List adds, ‘Cutting someone off can feel dramatic, but often it is one of the most self-respecting and psychologically sound choices you can make. You do not need a huge betrayal or explosive falling out to justify stepping back. Sometimes it is just the slow build-up of discomfort, the tension that never seems to lift, or simply realising you feel worse after spending time with someone. That alone is enough.’
Before making any big decisions you may regret later though, it’s worth some deep reflection. Dr Venetia Leonidaki, a Doctify-rated Clinical Psychologist at Spiral Psychology says, ‘If this relationship is causing you ongoing distress and upset, then try to pinpoint what behaviour is creating such feelings. Is this person lying to you? Being overtly critical? Intentionally trying to make you feel jealous? Then you may want to evaluate if the problematic behavior overshadows any good things that this person is bringing into your life. In other words, does this person bring more harm than good into your life?’
Another thing to consider is how long this problematic behavior has been happening and what has caused it, she says. ‘Sometimes a person may go on through a difficult time, manifesting through behaviors causing others distress and harm. You may know in your heart that the way this person is acting is not truly who they are. Putting yourself in the other person shoes can help you approach the matter with empathy and compassion and help you gain a different perspective.
‘There are times when a person doesn't realise how much upset the behavior is causing to others. Giving clear feedback about the impact that this person's behavior has on you and waiting to see if this will make a difference is always important.
‘Finally, before reaching any definite conclusions about someone's motivation, you may want to consider if you have inadvertently done something to cause this behavior. As an example, being overtly accommodating or not expressing your true feelings could have given rise to the problematic behavior. If that's the case, you may first want to check whether changing your own behavior could in turn bring a change to the person causing you stress and upset.’
Work to be done
Eloise Skinner (www.eloiseskinner.com), author and psychotherapist, goes further: ‘I think there's quite a bit of work to be done before you cut someone off, both internally (for example, an examination of why you feel they're toxic, any particular triggers that might require you to work on your own reactions), and within the context of the relationship (for example, a conversation about the issue, a discussion of boundaries, an opportunity to let the other person respond). I think it's important to remember that, once a relationship is established, there's an expectation of mutual dialogue – both people contributing to the continued development of the relationship – and it's usually important to honour that even if you feel you don't want the relationship to continue. This might mean chatting through issues before setting some clear boundaries or continuing to respectfully communicate even once some distance is established.
‘There might be some more clear situations in which you could feel that cutting someone off was appropriate – for example, in abusive situations, where there is violence or the threat of violence, where someone is clearly acting in a way that is offensive, etc.’
Let’s take a deeper look into the questions you may currently be asking yourself about a situation and how best to approach managing it.
How many chances should you give someone?
Three strikes and they’re out? It’s not quite so simple… Dr Venetia says, ‘Any attempt to give a single answer to this question would oversimplify a complex and deeply personal decision. It is like trying to ask how long is a piece of string? Or when enough is enough?
‘There are many factors coming to play a role, including how important this person is in your life, what positive contribution they make, and how hopeful you are that next time would be different. Your decision to give another chance will also depend on how close you are to reach your limits and if you have enough emotional fuel left in the tank to give to this relationship.’
Ang says, ‘There’s no set number of chances to give someone, but what matters is consistency. It’s important to notice the difference between someone who makes a mistake and genuinely works to repair it, and someone who repeatedly ignores your needs or crosses the same lines. If someone keeps making you feel unsafe, depleted or unsure of yourself, and their behaviour doesn’t change over time, that’s a sign the relationship is taking more than it gives.
‘In practice, one chance for a mistake is often reasonable,’ she adds. ‘A second might make sense if there’s a clear acknowledgement and a meaningful effort to improve. But when the same behaviour keeps happening with no accountability, it stops being a mistake and starts being a pattern. At that point, the emotional impact becomes harder to ignore, and the relationship may no longer be worth maintaining.’
Deciding to distance yourself isn’t always simple
Gemma agrees: ‘There is no set number of chances to give, but patterns speak louder than promises. If someone continues a hurtful behaviour even after you have calmly explained how it affects you, you are not in a healthy relationship. You are in a cycle. One apology followed by the same behaviour is not growth. It is a performance. As a general guide, if you have had to repeat a boundary more than twice and it is still ignored, it may be time to ask yourself whether that person truly respects you.’
Deciding to distance yourself isn’t always simple. ‘Some people can recognise a dynamic as harmful and walk away without hesitation. Others find it much harder, particularly if the person involved is a family member, partner or close friend,’ says Ang. ‘Guilt, fear of judgement or pressure from others can make the process more complicated. But it’s valid to choose distance if someone consistently brings stress, confusion or emotional harm into your life. You don’t need evidence or a dramatic turning point to step away. Often, the moment of clarity comes when you realise that staying is having a real cost, whether that’s to your confidence, your energy or your peace of mind. At that point, protecting your wellbeing becomes the priority. Ending contact doesn’t have to be about anger. It can be about protecting your space, your boundaries and your ability to feel safe in your own life.’
How much bad behaviour can you tolerate?
Some relationships have a very high threshold for misbehaviour – for instance, parent and child. You would give your child infinite chances, or at least many, many opportunities to act up and learn through mistakes, even at your own expense. You may give an absent parent the benefit of the doubt as you forge a longed-for relationship with them, or a spouse if you have a long, loving history together.
‘I think it depends on the individuals, and the relationship dynamic between them, as well as on the type of behaviour that is cause for the cutting off,’ says Eloise. ‘A minor annoyance or irritation – especially in the context of a longer, more established relationship, and where the annoyance has not been clearly communicated – might not be a reasonable trigger for an immediate cut-off. On the other hand, where the parties are less close (perhaps the relationship is shorter, or less emotionally close), the point at which someone chooses to 'cut off' another might be slightly lower, since there were generally lower expectations of each person within the friendship.’
‘A little friction in relationships is natural,’ says Gemma. ‘Nobody gets it right all the time. But when that friction turns into anxiety, resentment or emotional exhaustion, you are no longer dealing with the normal ups and downs of human connection. You are carrying emotional weight that is not yours to hold. We often tolerate more than we should out of guilt. We feel obligated. We tell ourselves that loyalty means putting up with things that hurt us. But loyalty without mutual respect becomes self-sacrifice.’
Flag behaviours
Ang agrees. ‘Very little bad behaviour should be tolerated, especially when it begins to erode your sense of self. Many people put up with far more than they should because they’ve been conditioned to avoid conflict, taught to downplay their own needs, or believe that maintaining peace means accepting harm. Some stay in toxic dynamics because the relationship is long-standing or tied up with feelings of responsibility or guilt. But repeated behaviour that causes anxiety, confusion, self-doubt or emotional exhaustion isn’t just difficult. It’s unhealthy. Conflict in itself isn’t the issue. The problem is when conflict is handled with manipulation, blame-shifting or contempt, and when repair never follows.
‘Certainly any behaviors that are causing physical harm, disrespect, and undermine someone's dignity are red flags,’ says Dr Venetia. ‘Even if we love the person exhibiting red flag behaviors, the message that we want to convey is that "I care about you but your behaviour is not acceptable".’
Negative energy
Is it ever as easy as banishing all negativity from your life? We’re all nuanced beings after all, with good days and bad. Even good years and bad ones! ‘It is part of being human to carry both constructive and destructive forces into us,’ says Dr Venetia. ‘If we want to have relationships, belong to groups and engage with our society, there is no way to immune ourselves from all negative energy out there.’
There must also be a lot of self-reflection too before you act. ‘It’s important to examine your own position,’ says Eloise. ‘People are complex and multidimensional, and it might be worth examining why imperfection or irritations are difficult to handle in the context of friendships or relationships. Life isn't always a pure experience of positivity, and while it might be sensible and understandable that we want to limit negative people around us, it's worth asking ourselves whether they are truly an objectively-negative influence, or whether our tolerance is excluding the wide range of human experience and personalities. It's also worth remembering that the other person might be going through challenges or troubles we aren't aware of, and so taking time to make 'cut-off' decisions is often appropriate.’
You might not need a big conversation
‘It might also be possible to maintain a level of connection, even while distancing oneself, which could lessen the perceived harshness of a 'cut off', and instead allow both parties to maintain mutual respect,’ she adds. This is clearly the most successful outcome for tricky relationships, but what if someone doesn’t take the hint? ‘It depends on the relationship,’ says Gemma. ‘If it has been relatively casual or the connection has faded already, you might not need a big conversation. A gradual pull-back, fewer replies, or simply letting the interaction go quiet can be enough. For deeper relationships, honesty is usually kinder. A simple but clear message like “I’ve realised this dynamic no longer feels healthy for me, and I need some space” can be firm without being cruel. You do not owe anyone an essay or emotional labour. You owe yourself clarity and self-respect.’
Gemma believes it is as simple as protecting your peace. ‘Not everyone has to do something terrible to justify stepping back. Sometimes it is just the vibe, the emotional static, the sense that your energy is constantly drained. That counts. It matters. Wanting your space to feel calm, supportive and respectful is not selfish. It is smart.
‘You are allowed to evolve,’ she concludes. ‘You are allowed to outgrow relationships that no longer align with your values. Protecting your mental and emotional health is not mean. It is mature. People who truly care about you will not make you question your worth. So, if someone consistently brings negativity, chaos or stress, you are well within your rights to let go. Cutting someone off is not about revenge or punishment. It is about peace. And peace is always worth choosing.’
Ways to communicate a relationship break up
In person is always best, of course, perhaps in a neutral space, such as a park or café. And it’s only fair to give the other person the opportunity to speak, too. If there’s already been a lot of talk however, without acknowledgement or understanding, a letter or a well-worded text message or email can draw a line under the situation. This is also the way to go if you fear for your safety at all or worry that a confrontation could become abusive or physical.
Only you will know how the other person is likely to react. Perhaps have a trusted friend or family member waiting nearby in case you need them or you feel very vulnerable. Don’t ever put yourself in danger. In extreme cases, contact the police (999 in the UK) or for non-emergency situations, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) or other local domestic violence support organisation. You can also reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist for support.
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