Divorce lawyer reveals the 6 signs your marriage is over
While some people have had the rug pulled out from under them and feel totally blindsided by their partner’s decision to divorce, there are often signs that your relationship is in trouble. Marriages rarely go from ‘till death do us part’ to ‘I cannot even stand to breathe the same air as you’ overnight.
There are often red flags, and they usually take time to unfold. And yet, at the same time, you may not want to see the signs – even when the writing is clearly on the wall. Denial is understandable; the ending of a marriage is heartbreaking.
But if you are alert and tuned into your partner’s emotional wavelength, you should be able to spot the signs that may indicate whether a potential split is on your spouse’s mind. The ability to recognise the signs of a dying marriage is key, as it could be the difference between staying together and divorcing.
Here, Jacqueline Newman, a lawyer and author of The New Rules Of Divorce: 12 Secrets to Protecting Your Wealth, Health, and Happiness, explains six signs your marriage may be heading for divorce, based on her 25 years of working with couples.
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Communication shuts down
It is one thing to have a day when your spouse simply does not feel like talking, but it is entirely different when they decide to shut down completely. At first, silence feels like comfort. You don’t need constant chatter. But when silence replaces real conversation, when it becomes avoidance instead of ease, that’s when the cracks show.
If they stop filling you in on what is happening in their life, and you effectively become a bystander watching from outside of what was once a life you shared. If you suddenly feel like the person sharing your home is an empty shell of their former self (or even more telling: if they have actually stopped complaining – be careful what you wish for), there is a good chance they are thinking about how to get out of the marriage.
Shutting down the lines of communication and distancing oneself is just one way people make themselves care less about their relationships, making it easier to pull the plug when they deem the time is right.
Financial behaviour and conversations about cash begin to alter
This isn't just about financial secrets in a relationship, though. That is certainly a ‘tell’ that your partner may be having an affair, or they may be in some financial trouble. I’m talking about a suddenly generous spouse plying you with gifts or trips out of the blue to distract and placate you. It's possible that new bank accounts and old passwords are being changed unexpectedly.
Financial changes within a relationship can often signal that your partner is starting to think about the future and what it looks like without you in it. Be aware of any gripes about changes in earning potential, a reduction in bonuses or compensation or other ‘I’m so poor’ complaints – especially if your spouse has a solid career history and job performance. It could be a setup to reduce financial expectations and responsibilities when they say, ‘I want a divorce.’
They’re annoyed about everything
When love fades, quirks stop being cute. They become irritations. Suddenly everything is wrong: the way you load the dishwasher, the way you laugh, the way you breathe. Criticism takes over, and contempt slips in.
Every married person can annoy their partner. However, committed spouses usually get over it. But if your partner is suddenly always on edge and you are not able to smooth the tension with a hug, kiss, or through whatever other magic you have used in the past, you may not be imagining things. The arm that jerks away from your touch, the snort or eye roll at something you say, the testy snap over nothing.
These may all be signs that they are checking out of the relationship and considering how to end it. Their feelings of annoyance may not necessarily be directed at you but rather relate to their confusion about how to present this change of heart.
Your spouse has taken a great interest in new hobbies and ventures
Any long-term relationship is bound to have its ups and downs. There are going to be times when both of you are interested in a new hobby or venture, and other times when one of you might have just discovered a new passion. There will be nights when you watch TV together on the couch, and other times when you are upstairs and they are downstairs. That is completely normal.
What is not normal is when one partner seemingly has moved on to finding a new singular interest in hanging out with friends, travelling solo and fun new hobbies that do not involve you, and they haven’t even tried to include you. Disinterest creates emotional and physical distance.
If you feel like you have been pushed out of the fun activities or the other events you used to share together, and pretty much all the way off your spouse's calendar, it could very well mean that the end of the marriage is near.
You suspect they are cheating
If your spouse is suddenly possessive of electronic devices, is abruptly required to work late or go on business trips, has started working out and dressing sharply, or is even overcompensating in their relationship, pay attention. I am sorry to say that cheating can happen, and it can be an awful and blindsiding betrayal.
Many marriages can survive infidelity. It can even bring couples closer by airing out their issues and forcing a course to correction and recommitment. But if any of the aforementioned things are happening, especially combined with the first four points on this list, then your spouse could be getting ready to serve you with divorce papers.
You feel like you’ve become invisible to your partner
I once had a client who was divorcing her charming, attractive husband, who was a doting father to their children and treated her with love and respect. They got along great, had a lovely life. It all seemed like happily ever after, but somewhere along the line, she had had a three-year affair with a handsome young painter.
Her husband never found out about the affair. He had never even sensed something was amiss with his wife, or noticed her growingly distant feelings. Life went on, because why fix what does not seem broken? And then, to his shock, she asked for a divorce. My client said, ‘I had an affair for three years, and I barely hid it, but he still never noticed.’ She realised she had become invisible to him due to the normalcy of their relationship.
Having someone notice you and connect with you is an intangible but essential need in a relationship. People are often lulled by normalcy on both sides. One side uses it as camouflage for avoidance, and the other side gets blindsided.
Usually, in retrospect, it becomes clear when things started to change, but habit is powerful, and there's nothing that disguises distance in a marriage better than a pleasant, orderly life.
There is nothing lonelier than sitting next to someone who no longer sees you. That hollow, invisible kind of loneliness weighs heavier than being alone.
Why these signs matter
Just because your spouse may be doing something on this list does not automatically mean your marriage is over. There will always be ups and downs in any relationship. This is human nature, and it is especially true when you are simultaneously acting as a couple, as well as independently operating beings capable of changing and evolving as you grow older.
If you’ve seen the signs that tell you your marriage is in trouble, the next thing you can do is consider how long the signs have been present. You will also need to think about whether these things have occurred simultaneously with an event or situation that’s particularly stressful. Is your partner’s behaviour (or your own) stemming from a major stressor related to work, a family member, or a health concern? If this is the case, you may have been seeing a new side of your partner.
However, if there’s nothing big you can point to, it’s an indicator that your relationship is in trouble. You’ll need to discuss your observations and feelings with your partner, allowing them space to share their thoughts and feelings about it. While recognition is the first step, the next and most important step is working toward change. This requires both people to be on board.
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