Women are experiencing an orgasm drought and the art of faking it is only making things worse.
In a study of more than 50,000 people, 95% of heterosexual men said they usually orgasm when sexually intimate, while only 65% of heterosexual women said the same.
Have you ever suspected your partner is faking it? Perhaps their moans were saying too much, while their body was saying too little – more plank of wood than full-body tremors.
If you think you’re exempt, let me remind you of the famous words of Sally Albriet in When Harry Met Sally: ‘All men are sure it never happened to them and yet most women at one time, or another have done it – so you do the math.’
We went to sex experts to find out the subtle signs that separate the real thing from a convincing performance.
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Signs they’re faking it
Discerning the genuine from the fake is the first step to bringing down barriers to pleasure.
‘I always say that faking is essentially the opposite of intimacy,’ says Susan Bratton, Intimacy Expert and self-proclaimed "Orgasmanaut”. ‘When you fake an orgasm, you’re giving your partner misinformation, which means they never get the data they need to become a better lover for you.’
According to a JOLT survey conducted last year, close to a fifth of UK couples are completely sexless. And who can blame us for losing sexual steam when encounters so often feel fruitless?
The cure is simple: we need to change how we approach conversations around orgasms. Truth and knowledge are power in the bedroom – you can’t improve your sex life if it’s built on a pretence.
‘You’re essentially the blind leading the blind,’ Bratton continues. ‘And eventually, that lack of truth creates "bricks in the wall" of a future sexless relationship. Sexual truth-telling is the fast-track to full-body arousal. If you can’t say it, you can’t feel it, and you certainly can’t come from it.’
If you suspect your partner is faking it, look out for these telltale signs:
1. They always finish at the same time as you
Perfectly synchronised orgasms make for a great movie moment, but they’re rare. If your partner always seems to climax around the same time as you, they could be faking.
This convenient timing is a sign they have given up on reaching their climax and are simply waiting until you reach yours to simulate their big finish.
2. Dry mouth and eyes
This one catches people off guard, but a watery mouth and eyes are key signs of arousal.
‘One thing that’s nearly impossible to fake is the "let-down" reflex,’ explains Bratton. ‘Just like breastfeeding, a woman’s body has a mucosal let-down when she’s deeply relaxed and aroused; her mouth gets watery, her eyes might glisten, and she becomes truly, naturally lubricated from her own blood plasma. If the body isn't glistening and swollen, the "performance" is likely just noise.’
3. Their heart isn’t in it
‘I think, beyond the obvious physical responses, you can usually feel it,’ says Lindsey Kane, the co-founder of sexual wellness brand JOLT. ‘There’s an energy there that’s hard to fake, and you can sense when someone is truly present with you versus when they’re just going through the motions.’
4. They bounce back too quickly
After a genuine orgasm, the body needs a moment to catch up with itself. A person can enter a brief trance-like state: slightly dazed, flushed and unhurried.
If your partner immediately springs into action after an orgasm, starting a conversation, checking their phone or hopping out of bed to get dressed – chances are they’re faking it.
5. No pupil dilation
The eyes don’t lie. During genuine arousal and orgasm, the body releases a surge of dopamine and oxytocin, and one of the most telling side effects is dilated pupils.
If your partner’s eyes appear normal and vacant, rather than wide and dark, it’s a sign the chemical reaction of an orgasm isn’t taking place.
It’s an involuntary reaction that not even an Oscar-winning performance could replicate.
6. Their touch is lacklustre
‘There’s also something very telling about how someone touches you,’ says Kane. ‘When someone is genuinely aroused, they’re attentive, responsive, and tuned into how your body reacts. It’s not mechanical or rushed and feels intentional. When someone is performing, there’s often a disconnect you can feel, almost like they’re following a script rather than responding to you in real time.’
7. Their breathing seems performed
Breathing is one of the hardest aspects of an orgasm to fake – especially over a sustained period. During genuine arousal, breath naturally quickens and shallows as the heart rate climbs.
At the point of orgasm, many people involuntarily hold their breath before releasing it, a reflex known as respiratory arrest. Breathing that seems theatrical rather than instinctive is likely an act.
8. No sex flush
In the heat of arousal, blood rushes to the surface of the skin, producing a pink and red flush across the chest, neck and face.
It’s the body’s vascular system responding to increased heart rate and excitement. This rising temperature and change in skin colour is incredibly difficult to fake.
9. Their hips stay still
Orgasm triggers involuntary muscle contractions throughout the body. Jerky, uncontrolled movements in the hips and pelvis are a hallmark sign of the real thing as it’s a physiological response, not a conscious one and is almost impossible to fake
If your partner’s lower body remains still during climax, it may be more performance than genuine.
10. Their genitals don’t change colour
A little-known fact: colour is one of the most reliable indicators of arousal. ‘When a woman is truly aroused, her genitals change colour — turning a dusky, deep pink or lavender — and the tissue becomes puffy, pillowy, and swollen,’ says Bratton.
This happens due to blood rushing to the area during sexual excitement. Changes to the shape also happen to women.
‘Her clitoral shaft actually gets erect’ she continues. ‘Yes, a "Lady Boner" is a real, biological fact!’
11. They’re wide awake straight after
There’s a scientific reason why people fall asleep after sex. A genuine orgasm triggers the release of prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that promote deep relaxation and drowsiness.
Look out for whether your partner seems wide awake after the moment is over, as if they’re too chatty and alert, their body probably hasn’t been through the hormonal changes of an orgasm.
12. No build up
A genuine orgasm rarely arrives out of nowhere. Look out for the signs of gradual escalation – the quickened breath, tightening muscles and increased tension throughout the body that all lead into the crescendo.
If moans switch on like a tap rather than build naturally, your partner could be using their acting skills to mimic an orgasm, rather than losing themselves in the throes of a climax.
13. It doesn’t linger
After climax, the body remains highly sensitive to touch; even light contact can feel unbearably intense.
If your partner shows no sign of post-orgasmic sensitivity, pulling away from touch immediately, or seems unfazed moments later, their body may not have experienced what their performance suggested it did.
The orgasm gap
There is a consistent disparity in orgasm frequency during heterosexual sex. Around 67% of women have faked an orgasm at least once in their lifetime, compared to just 25% of heterosexual men.
Yet at least 92% of women orgasm when pleasuring themselves, suggesting the problem isn’t with women’s bodies, but with what’s happening in the bedroom.
The orgasm gap shows how female pleasure is often sidelined as an optional extra within heterosexual dynamics.
Emma Richardson-Gerrard, the founder of Knude Society, says it’s a cultural problem. ‘The real issue is that the sexual script is built entirely around male climax as the main event and everything else as "foreplay",’ she explains.
‘Even the word foreplay frames the acts that get most women off as the warm-up act and not as sex itself – when the opposite should be true. It's not that women can't come. It's that we've normalised them not coming.’
According to Bratton, much of the problem stems from a lack of slow-burn seduction.
‘We’ve been fed this lie that sex is a sprint when, for the female system, it’s a slow, luxurious stroll,’ she explains. ‘If you’re a woman faking it, you’re likely just trying to end a session that started before your body was actually ready.’
The reason for faking it differs by gender. Men tend to fake it due to performance anxiety, while women fear taking up too much time or space.
Either way, Richardson-Gerard says simulating an orgasm can be incredibly corrosive in relationships.
‘People let their partner build a map of their body based on wrong feedback,’ she explains. ‘So sex can never improve because their partner thinks they're nailing it. Resentment can start to grow because their partner isn't "getting it," but in reality, they don't stand a chance. And instead of sex being something they enjoy, it becomes a performance they dread. And this can insidiously creep into other areas of the relationship too.’
Sexual theatrics also deprive us of the health benefits of orgasm - from pain relief and better sleep to reduced stress, improved mood and stronger intimacy. So, perhaps it’s time to get real and chase the thrills of an authentic, toe-curling climax, rather than settling for fallacy.
Getting honest
Being open with your partner is the only way to get in synch. ‘Radical honesty,’ says Bratton, ‘is the ultimate aphrodisiac.’
When you stop performing and start communicating what your body needs, you prime your nervous system for real pleasure.
Here are some top tips for getting the conversation started:
1. Start the conversation outside the bedroom
Gerard’s golden rule: never have this conversation between the sheets where it carries too much weight.
‘It's a conversation, not an accusation,’ she explains. ‘Try asking questions like: "I want to make sure sex is as good for you as it is for me, what really works for you?"’ This approach opens a door without pointing fingers.
2. Lead with desire
Frame the conversation as sexy exploration rather than a formal sit-down talk. “Show me how you touch yourself” is more inviting and exciting than “Am I doing this right?”
‘Beginning with "I would like...", "I'd love it if you...", keeps the focus on pleasure,’ says Gerard. ‘Always lead with desire and not with complaint, as this can put people on the defensive, especially with something so intimate.’
3. Don’t interrogate
If you suspect your partner is faking, approach the situation safely rather than confrontationally.
Bratton says, ‘Try: 'I want to be the lover you never have to fake it with – I want the real you." Make it safe for them to give you feedback by always responding with a simple "Thank you, baby."’ Remove "failure" from the bedroom and replace it with curiosity.’
4. Have it more than once
This isn’t a one-and-done conversation – getting in synch sexually takes time.
‘Be prepared to start this conversation slowly,’ says Gerard. ‘And have it more than one time. Pleasure and how we enjoy sex evolves over time.’
5. Guidance is powerful
Gently showing a partner what you enjoy is less taunting, and most people feel relieved by clearer direction.
‘Guiding someone gently can be really powerful,’ says Kane. ‘Most people appreciate being shown what their partner enjoys.’
Although it’s essential to approach the topic sensitively, if your partner becomes defensive when receiving feedback, that’s a red flag.
According to Gerard, ‘if you're with someone who gets offended, that tells you something important about whether or not they're actually invested in you.’
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