Find out whether you're dating an avoidant. The painful pattern you need to recognise
Have you ever had a partner who seems to shut down every time you try to initiate a vulnerable conversation? Or who constantly prioritises their hobbies or ‘me-time’ above spending time with you? Or maybe you’ve been left completely devastated after someone you thought you had a future with broke things off unexpectedly with little to no explanation, leaving you with a strong sense of whiplash.
If any of these experiences sound familiar, you might have been experiencing the fallout of dating an avoidant. People with an avoidant attachment style are generally not trying to hurt their partners, but that doesn’t make some of their classic behaviours any less painful – whether conscious or not.
Their deep-rooted insecurities around being intimate and vulnerable with others stem from childhood and will leave romantic partners feeling kept at arm’s length and longing deep connection.
Unfortunately, showering an avoidant with extra love and affection won’t make them drop their walls. In fact, it will usually do the opposite – causing them to feel trapped and suffocated, and ready to return to complete independence, where they feel safe.
So, if you’ve had a failed relationship with someone you suspect might be avoidantly attached, and are left ruminating over what went wrong, keep reading to learn all about this attachment style and why they really weren’t lying when they said, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.
What is avoidant attachment? A history of attachment theory
Avoidant attachment is one of the four attachment styles, which is currently receiving a lot of discussion online.
Attachment theory was first outlined by John Bowlby in the late 1950s, who observed that infants would exhibit certain behaviours when separated from their parent or caregiver, such as crying or scanning with their eyes.
He theorised that these behaviours are a survival instinct to ensure infants remain within a close proximity of their caregivers, who provide care and protection, and that developing a bond – primarily between the ages of six months to two years – is essential to their social functioning and ability to express and regulate their emotions.
Additionally, Bowlby claimed that when a caregiver consistently meets their child’s needs during this formative time, infants develop secure attachments and perceive their caregiver as a source of comfort and safety, allowing them to learn and grow.
The theory was expanded in the 1970s by Mary Ainsworth, who explored mother-infant relationships by examining how infants reacted in an unfamiliar environment, where they would be addressed by a stranger and their mother would leave. Ainsworth identified three attachment styles from this experiment – secure, avoidant, and anxious – with the fourth style, disorganised (or ‘fearful-avoidant’), being added in 1991.
In the 1980s, this theory was developed to relate to adult behaviour patterns – describing how a person’s attachment style, formed in childhood, affects how they act in relationships.
Secure attachment is the ‘ideal’ attachment style and is believed to be developed by individuals whose caregivers were emotionally available and responsive to them during childhood. As a result, they grow up trusting others and feel safe being vulnerable and intimate. This encourages healthy romantic relationships, with securely attached people typically having high self-esteem, a good ability to regulate their emotions, and believing they are worthy of love.
On the other hand, infants become anxiously attached due to inconsistent parenting, where their needs are not always met. According to the theory, this can cause them to fear abandonment and rejection, and to be ‘clingy’ with partners in future relationships.
Last but not least is avoidant attachment. As mentioned, the fearful-avoidant style was identified after the other three styles and is usually a response to childhood trauma or abuse, where an individual grew up seeing a caregiver as a provider of safety while also fearing them. This can lead a person to want a romantic relationship but fear emotional closeness and intimacy later in life.
Dismissive avoidance, which is what is generally meant when people refer to avoidant attachment, occurs under less specific circumstances – i.e. when a child’s needs is consistently ignored, and they’re rejected by a caregiver. A lack of emotional availability from a parent or caregiver can cause a person to fear intimacy in adulthood and only feel safe when they have autonomy.
Holly Beedon, clinical lead for Living Well UK – the leading mental health consortium in the West Midlands – describes avoidant attachment as ‘an emotional ‘defensive crouch.’’
She says, ‘In adult romantic relationships, it manifests as a subconscious drive to maintain distance. While a secure person sees intimacy as a source of comfort, an avoidant individual perceives it as a threat to their personal sovereignty. They often equate 'needing' someone with a loss of control, which leads to a cycle of pulling away just as a relationship begins to feel meaningful.’
What are the common traits of avoidant attachment?
With an intense need for independence and space, avoidantly attached people can struggle with romantic relationships.
Holly says that avoidants often exhibit what she calls ‘deactivating strategies’, which are ways to reduce intimacy and keep their partners at a distance. ‘This might look like a partner who suddenly becomes hyper-critical of your minor habits or someone who uses work and hobbies as a shield against quality time.’
These tendencies can push partners away, making them feel like their needs are too demanding and unreasonable or that they are at the bottom of the priority list.
Holly warns that in unhealthy relationships, this can sometimes turn into more toxic behaviours like ‘stonewalling’, which is when a person completely withdraws and stops engaging during an argument. This might involve an individual giving their partner the silent treatment or walking off, which prevents any resolution and, as Holly says, leaves the other person ‘feeling abandoned just when they need connection the most.’
Wedding and relationship expert at Book a Party and qualified counsellor Gemma Logan says that avoidant individuals are typically ‘independent, organised, and capable of managing life’s practicalities’.
While these qualities are usually positive and attractive to potential partners, Gemma points out that an avoidant’s hyper self-sufficiency and ‘composed’ persona can actually prevent closeness. She explains: ‘In relationships, these traits can manifest as emotional withdrawal, minimal verbal or physical expressions of affection, and difficulty tolerating discussions about feelings.’
Gemma also agrees with Holly that avoidants’ resistance to vulnerable communication in moments of conflict can put a significant strain on relationships. ‘Avoidant partners may avoid conflict by shutting down, changing the subject, or physically distancing themselves. Over time, this pattern can become emotionally harmful if it leaves their partner feeling rejected, unseen, or persistently anxious. The push-pull dynamic, where one partner seeks closeness and the other retreats, can become cyclical and exhausting, fostering tension and misunderstandings.’
The pull between avoidant and anxiously attached people
Holly says a common pattern that occurs is that avoidants find themselves in relationships with anxiously attached people, and this can easily become unhealthy.
While there is often an initial attraction, people with these two styles of attachment have completely opposite needs – avoidants crave space and independence, typically not perceiving verbal and physical affection as particularly important, while anxiously attached individuals require reassurance and deep emotional connection and intimacy.
‘There is a striking, often painful irony in dating: avoidant individuals are frequently drawn to those with an anxious attachment style. We call this the 'Anxious-Avoidant Trap.' The anxious partner’s pursuit of closeness feels familiar to the avoidant person - it reinforces their identity as the 'pursued' one – while the avoidant’s withdrawal triggers the anxious partner’s core fear of abandonment. It creates a high-stakes, roller-coaster dynamic that people often mistake for 'passion,' but it is actually a clash of two different types of insecurity,’ she says.
So, if you identify as a more anxiously attached individual or struggle with boundaries and self-esteem, getting into a romantic relationship with someone who is avoidant might not be what you truly need.
Although it might feel exciting, consider whether you might be confusing that classic feeling of ‘butterflies’ with anxiety. A healthy relationship should not cause a dysregulated nervous system or require constantly walking on eggshells out of fear that they’ll shut down and end the relationship.
Finding an emotionally available, consistent partner who provides stability will help you create a strong foundation that lasts.
When to walk away
Holly acknowledges that it is possible to have a healthy relationship with an avoidant individual, but stresses that it ‘requires a mastery of boundaries and 'low-pressure' communication’.
‘It involves stating your needs clearly without blame – moving from 'You never talk to me' to 'I value our connection and would like us to have a dedicated evening together,' she continues.
However, Holly also advises against staying with someone if it means constantly sacrificing your own needs and mental wellbeing. ‘My most vital piece of advice is this: you cannot 'love' someone into a secure attachment style. If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge these patterns or seek therapy, and you find your own self-esteem eroding, the healthiest choice is to walk away.’
Here’s how to have a healthy relationship as an avoidant
Rachel Maclynn is the CEO/Founder of Maclynn and a Chartered Occupational Psychologist, and she says that for individuals who see avoidance tendencies in themselves, recognising these behaviours is ‘the first and most important step’.
‘Once people understand their patterns, they can make small adjustments, be more compassionate with themselves, or consciously work at communicating and/ or improving their relationships,’ she says.
Here's Rachel’s advice for how to foster a healthy relationship if you’re avoidantly attached…
How can avoidants begin to understand and address their insecurities?
‘For many avoidant individuals, insecurity doesn’t show up as fear or neediness, it shows up as self-reliance and emotional distance. The first step is recognising when independence is being used as protection rather than choice. Awareness is key. Noticing patterns like pulling away after closeness, minimising needs, or feeling overwhelmed by emotional expectations allows people to understand that these reactions are learned responses, not fixed traits.’
What are some steps toward developing emotional safety and healthier relationship patterns?
‘Emotional safety is built gradually. It starts with learning to stay present during moments of closeness instead of shutting down or withdrawing.
Small, consistent acts of emotional openness, such as expressing a feeling in real time or tolerating discomfort without creating distance, are far more effective than dramatic declarations of vulnerability.
Over time, these experiences help rewire the belief that intimacy leads to loss of autonomy or emotional overwhelm.’
What forms of support are most effective for people who want to address their avoidant attachment?
‘Expert help! Attachment-focused therapy approaches are particularly effective and can be tailored to the individual. Avoidant individuals often need to build emotional awareness and regulation, making intimacy feel safer and more manageable over time.’
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