10 signs you’re dating a narcissist and what to do

10 signs you’re dating a narcissist and what to do

Fairytale romance turned nightmare? How to tell if you're dating a narcissist.

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10 signs you’re dating a narcissist and what to do

At first, they seem like something out of a fairytale: charming, confident, and full of compliments. But as time goes on, the mask starts to slip. That same person who once made you feel special leaves you second-guessing yourself and trapped in a cycle of control, confusion and emotional pain. If this sounds familiar, you might be in a relationship with a narcissist.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition marked by an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for attention and a lack of empathy. In a romantic relationship, these traits can play out in damaging ways, from emotional manipulation to outright abuse.

But narcissism isn’t always obvious. It can come disguised as affection, support or even love, until it slowly starts to chip away at your confidence and sense of reality. By the time the damage is visible, it’s often already done, so spotting the signs of a narcissistic partner early is so important.

10 signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist

1. Love bombing

“Love bombing is a tactic that is trying to force your trust and dependence, so the love bomber quickly becomes the most important person in your life.”

Love bombing involves excessive flattery, grand gestures and even declarations of love before they truly know you. It’s easy to get swept up in this behaviour, especially when narcissists make you feel like you’re the only person who matters.

The person love bombing you might also want to dominate all your time. If you’ve made other plans, they may try to stop you from going or make you feel guilty for prioritising anything else.

Respect Victoria describes love bombing as a type of emotional manipulation: “It’s a tactic that is trying to force your trust and dependence, so the love bomber quickly becomes the most important person in your life.

“Later in the relationship, it’s easier for them to devalue or discard you, or even make you feel like you’re the one who has been doing something ‘wrong’.”

Red flags to look out for in a new relationship are excessive gift-giving, over-the-top compliments, and wanting to spend all of your time together.

2. Lack of empathy

If your partner consistently dismisses your emotions or tunes out when you talk, especially about things that matter to you, this may be a sign of low empathy.

Notice how engaged they are when you speak. Do they seem disinterested? Do they constantly steer the conversation back to themselves? Or when you’re discussing something deep or difficult, do they seem unable to understand your point of view? These behaviours could indicate a lack of empathy. Over time, this can turn into manipulation and emotional abuse.

In the video below, Dr Ramani discusses the possibility that narcissists do understand empathy, but they choose not to be empathetic.

She also argues that narcissists weaponise empathy, using their knowledge of certain things to control or ‘get a rise’ out of the partner.

3. Gaslighting

“The person performing the gaslighting is attempting to confuse a person into questioning their own beliefs, values, thoughts, and behaviours.”

Gaslighting is a common behaviour in narcissists. In simple terms, it makes the victim question their memory and sense of reality. The gaslighter may also say things like “you’re being too sensitive” or “you’re overreacting” or “that didn’t happen” to try and skew the person's memory and make them question themselves.

It’s a tactic that narcissistic people use to gain control over someone. Dr Amanda L Chase Avera says: “Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation technique in which a person tries to convince someone that their reality is untrue.  It is a tactic often used by narcissists to gain control of their intended target.”

If you suspect this happening to you, you may be in a relationship with a narcissist. In this situation, you need to make sure you trust your gut and beliefs. The best thing you can do is ignore them or cut them off. The more you let them into your life, the more manipulative they become.

Couple have relationship issues, arguing and fighting in kitchen
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4. Constant need for validation

Narcissists thrive on validation, praise and admiration, and if they don’t get it, they can have intense emotional reactions, becoming angry and withdrawn.

Psychologist Dr Simone Hoermann, PhD., explains: “People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) exhibit a deep, persistent need for admiration, which stems from an unstable sense of self-worth. Studies suggest that this need is driven by a compensatory mechanism – where individuals attempt to counteract deep-seated feelings of inadequacy with external validation.”

If they don’t constantly receive validation, narcissists will not only withdraw, but they may take it out on their partner. “Deep down, the narcissist views themself as flawed and unlovable,” Dr. Nakpangi Thomas explains. 

“So, if you love them, they view you as imperfect, making you the target of their punishment. Their self-hatred and shame transfer onto you.”

You must remember that it is not your responsibility to ‘fix’ them, and you don’t need to drain yourself putting them on a pedestal.

5. Blame shifting

A narcissist will never find themselves at fault. It will always be someone else's fault, namely yours, if you are in a relationship with them.

Blame shifting generally happens once the narcissist really knows you, understanding your typical behaviours and any emotional weaknesses. They will use this knowledge to their advantage to control you.

Simply Psychology gives an example: “If you let them know that their behaviour hurt your feelings, they might say “If I’m such a terrible person, why are you even with me?” or “You’re so ungrateful, I do so much for you and this relationship!”. Now the tables have been turned and you feel like you have to justify or explain yourself.”

If you find yourself questioning your own beliefs or values, then you might be on the end of this blame-shifting tactic. There are ways to deal with it, such as staying strong and trusting yourself, being unemotional, and most importantly, seeking support, whether that's from family or friends or a professional.

6. Hot and cold behaviour

Hot and cold behaviour can be common in early relationships and not always a sign of narcissism. It is, however, always a reflection of the person exhibiting the behaviour. The reason they do it can be anything from self-esteem issues and fear of intimacy to emotional immaturity.

When a narcissist displays these behaviours, though, it’s to gain the element of control and to keep you in a cycle of craving their approval. One moment, they might be affectionate and kind, and the next emotionally distant and cruel. When they do this, it can create an unhealthy environment for their partner, who may feel they have to constantly walk on eggshells.

This hot and cold behaviour is confusing and frustrating, and when the narcissist is in the cold phase, their partner may feel rejected, ignored or discarded.

7. Playing the victim

Narcissists often play the victim. Even if they’ve done something to hurt you, they will try to shift the blame onto you.

Julie L Hall of Psychology Today says: “Because narcissists are heavily dependent on others for validation of self and believe they should be catered to, posturing as the victim of uncaring people or unfair circumstances is a common narcissistic strategy for invoking guilt and getting attention, sympathy, or caregiving.”

Julie goes on to explain that highly empathetic individuals are common targets for narcissists since they are susceptible to the victim narrative that the narcissist is creating, saying: “Many narcissists become so skilled at portraying themselves as long-suffering victims of awful exes or ungrateful adult children.”

It’s easy to fall for this narrative, and in doing so, the narcissist can avoid taking responsibility for their own abusive behaviour.

Worried couple sitting back to back on sofa at home while having problems in their relationship.
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8. Stonewalling

Stonewalling, when used intentionally, is a form of emotional abuse and very controlling behaviour. It occurs when someone deliberately refuses to talk to you, does not listen, and uses another activity, such as going on their phone, to show they are ignoring you.

Often, narcissists resort to this behaviour when they feel threatened or backed into a corner and want to regain control, blame-shift and punish you. Anna Drescher, Simply Psychology says: “They know that stonewalling you will likely allow them to avoid blame and turn the tables on you.”

Stonewalling can make the victim feel threatened. Anna explains: “Being stonewalled causes people to have a strong emotional reaction because feeling excluded signals danger. In the hunter-gatherer days, being ostracised from the group meant serious trouble, so although that isn’t necessarily the case today, being ignored or ghosted still feels threatening.”

9. They think they’re better than everyone else (including you)

Having an inflated sense of self-importance is a known indicator of narcissistic personality disorder.

In a relationship, this might manifest in behaviours such as putting themselves first or making you feel less important. You might find that the conversation is one-way and that they want to talk about themselves and are less interested in what you have to say. You may find that when you talk, you don’t feel like they are really listening.

Look out for a high level of competitiveness too. If you achieve something, they may belittle you and come up with excuses as to why they didn’t ‘better’ you at whatever the achievement is.

10. Jealousy

Jealousy is common and can be a normal part of a relationship, it’s how this jealousy is handled that can cause problems. Narcissistic jealousy is about power and control and can be used as a weapon against the partner.

This type of jealousy is toxic and fuelled by grandiosity. The narcissist believes they are superior to their partner and struggles with anything that challenges that view.

Erin Leonard, PhD, outlines three types of jealousy common in narcissists:

1. Jealous projection

They may project their own jealousy onto their partner. For example, if they feel threatened or insecure, they might accuse their partner of being the jealous one, leaving them confused and full of guilt.

2. Punishment

Jealousy can also be used to punish. Narcissists may make their partner feel guilty for spending time with others, using this as a control tactic to isolate and manipulate.

3. Jealousy as justification for control

Demanding proof and evidence that their partner isn’t doing anything wrong, in normal circumstances. Erin says: “A partner who needs evidence that a person is not doing anything nefarious in the relationship in the absence of infidelity or an extreme behaviour change may be profoundly insecure.”

Communication problems, relationship difficulties. Young couple man and woman sitting on sofa at home, argue and misunderstanding. Two angry and sad people having issue with ego and guilt.
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5 ways to deal with narcissistic relationship

If you find yourself recognising these behaviours in your partner, here are a few strategies that might help. Keep in mind that they may not meet every benchmark for NPD and that narcissistic traits can vary in severity along a spectrum.

If you find you are being abused or controlled, or your mental health is being impacted, then it may be time to leave the relationship.

1. Educate yourself about narcissistic behaviour

The more you know, the better! Having this knowledge will help you to recognise certain behaviours and understand that these behaviours are part of a mental illness. It can help you to depersonalise negative comments and behaviours, protecting your own mind.

2. Set boundaries and stick to them

Narcissists will try to push your boundaries, so it’s important to be very upfront and clear about your boundaries.

It can be difficult, but outlining what you expect from your relationship and what is unacceptable is important. This means sticking up for yourself when a boundary is broken. Do this by limiting contact, changing how you respond, or even stepping away from certain conversations altogether.

3. Try to avoid arguing

Narcissists want to be perceived as intelligent and always right. If you engage in an argument with them, it may exacerbate the situation. The best thing to do is to keep calm and not engage. You don’t have to compromise your boundaries, and if they don’t let it go, it’s best to walk away and distance yourself.

4. Keep a support network of family and friends

It’s vital that you don’t let yourself become isolated. Make sure you nurture your relationships with family and friends, this will ensure you feel supported and will give you more confidence in yourself.

It’s also helpful to speak to someone you trust about your situation, even if it’s just to get an outside perspective if you are feeling drained or overwhelmed.

5. End the relationship

In certain situations, it’s best to walk away, especially if emotional abuse is involved. In this video, Dr. Ramani discusses what it's like to break up with a narcissist and learn how to prevent these behaviours from hurting you.

Remember, you are not to blame

Recognising their narcissistic behaviour is the first step in taking back your power. Whether you choose to set boundaries, seek support or walk away entirely, you are not powerless, and you deserve a relationship built on respect, care and genuine connection.

Your future doesn’t have to be shaped by their behaviour. You get to choose what comes next.

Are you narcissistic?

If you recognise some of these behaviours in yourself or your relationships, acknowledging them is a powerful first step towards change.

Holly Beedon, Clinical Lead at Living Well UK, says: “Engaging in psychotherapy, particularly approaches like transference-focused psychotherapy, can be effective in addressing the underlying issues associated with NPD.”

Ways to work on narcissistic behaviours include self-reflection, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), empathy development, mindfulness, schema therapy and seeking honest feedback from people you trust.

Holly also highlights: “It's important to note that to make a change, it will require commitment and a willingness to confront challenging emotions and behaviours that have led you to this point. Consulting with a mental health professional can provide tailored guidance and support throughout this process.”

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How is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) diagnosed?

NPD is a formal diagnosis in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition), and there are several key traits which can help to identify it.

According to one NIH study, individuals meeting five criteria from the list below are likely to have NPD. However, the condition can only be diagnosed by a doctor, and this should not be considered a diagnosis.

  • Having a grandiose sense of self-importance, such as exaggerating achievements and talents, expecting to be recognized as superior even without commensurate achievements
  • Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, and idealization
  • Belief in being "special" and that they can only be understood by or associated with other high-status people (or institutions)
  • Demanding excessive admiration
  • Sense of entitlement
  • Exploitation behaviors
  • Lack of empathy
  • Envy towards others or belief that others are envious of them
  • Arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes

Why does narcissism develop?

Narcissism can be influenced by both genetics and external factors. While some people may be predisposed to certain personality traits genetically, negative experiences in childhood can also influence behaviours later in life.

Counselling Psychologist Dr Nivedita Nayak says: “People often think narcissism is just about arrogance or control, but at its core, it’s often an elaborate defence against deep, unacknowledged shame. Genetics may load the gun, but early emotional environments often pull the trigger.”

Dr. Nayak explains that narcissistic behaviour tends to emerge from childhood experiences where emotional needs were either excessively idealised or constantly invalidated. The child learns that love is conditional and builds a survival strategy around performance and image.

In relationships, this translates into a power imbalance. Dr Nayak sees partners constantly shifting between confusion, guilt, and walking on eggshells.

If you need help and support:

If you are in immediate danger, call the emergency services.

For women in England and Wales:

National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247

Languages: English (call & chat); other languages available via interpretation services (call)

Phone hours: 24/7

Chat hours: Mon-Fri, 10AM - 10PM

For men in England and Wales:

Respect Men's Advice Line: 0808 8010 327

Languages: English

Phone hours: Mon-Fri, 10AM - 5PM

Chat hours: Wed, 10AM - 11:30AM; Thu, 2PM - 4PM

If you need help and are in the US, you can reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, which provides 24/7 access to service providers and shelters across the United States.

If you need help and you are in Australia, you can call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732 or visit their website for online chat and video call services: Available 24/7: Call, text or online chat.

If you are in Canada, are a woman and you need help, visit https://ccfwe.org/find-help-across-canada/ in order to find support in your area.

Or anyone can call or text the 24/7 helpline for individuals experiencing domestic violence on 1-888-709-7090. This is province-wide, toll free number (1-888-709-7090).