Why our brains treat big birthdays differently: how to survive a milestone birthday
While some may claim to be 21 year after year, the truth is that you only reach that magical milestone once. Each significant marker along the adulthood journey beyond that brings the opportunity for more responsibilities, wisdom, challenges, stories... and grey hairs.
Being blessed with another birthday might be cause, of course, for a big celebration. For some, the passage of time is a gift in and of itself. For others, that simply isn’t the case. Fear and anxiety around ageing firmly takes hold and there’s a sense of denial about which decade or drop-down box you now find yourself in. When a milestone is approaching, these good or bad vibes can easily be exacerbated.
Whether you’re happily heading towards it or hiding your head in the sand will come down, in part, to what you focus on as you take stock. The bigger the birthday, the more likely you are to contemplate how well life is progressing along the path you envisaged – or not.
While a milestone birthday can carry greater prestige, it has the potential to stir up greater pressure and panic if nothing’s gone to plan. During the 1980s, social psychologists Costa and McCrae found in their studies of personality across the lifespan that young adults expressing the most discontent were the most likely candidates to experience a ‘midlife crisis’ years later in their 40s. In particular, those who had more neurotic personality types struggled to adapt as well to challenges in midlife and beyond.
Crisis point
Today, the crisis of age appears to have crept even closer, with research revealing that approximately six out of 10 millennials experience a soul-searching and seriously stressful quarter-life crisis. At its core, this kind of struggle relates to difficulty coping with personal, financial and/or work-related pressures. Those in their 20s and 30s are more commonly questioning their place in the world and, upon inwardly evaluating their existence, have external expectations and the tick-tock of ageing to contend with on top. While it can indeed be a challenging time, this is also seen as a defining decade of self-awareness, curiosity and personal growth.
To age is not only a biological process, but something deeply reflective of a culture, too. Different cultures have their own distinct practices and attitudes towards ageing that can shape the experience and expectations of reaching each and every milestone.
In Western cultures, where youth is especially revered, ageing can be considered a negative, shameful and potentially distressing experience for some. This fear of ageing is driven by a sense of losing value, independence, and eventually, losing touch. When analysing the World Values Survey – completed by over 83,000 respondents in 57 countries – the World Health Organisation found such negative attitudes towards ageing are widespread: 60% of respondents felt older people were not respected, with the lowest levels of respect being reported among higher-income countries.
Findings like this reiterate that, both internally and externally, there’s more work to be done when it comes to ageing well and supporting one another through the many milestones of life. Growing older has certain challenges, but there are also incredible gains to be made and lessons to be learned as time goes by.
At every stage of life, we’re invited to deepen our maturity, broaden our minds and open our hearts more fully. To understand more about moving through milestones, we spoke to women at different stages about growing up gracefully and their journey to date.
“He who is of a calm and happy nature will hardly feel the pressure of age, but to him who is of an opposite disposition, youth and age are equally a burden.”
- Plato
On turning 30
Finding your feet in your twenties can be an exciting and adventurous journey – and trying at times, too. It’s common for women to experience some kind of financial insecurity, unfulfilling job, misfit relationship (or all three!) on the way to 30. Then there’s the comparison trap that we can so easily fall into – it can take great courage to keep treading your own path and trust in the timing.
“Turning 30 will forever hold a special place in my heart,” says Jenna, a nurture practitioner. “A few years previously, I’d suffered a debilitating episode of anxiety, panic attacks and OCD. I sought treatment and it was an incredibly painful time in my life. By the time I turned 30, I had worked through a lot of these difficulties and I felt different – happier, more content and grateful for the life I had. I still felt young, but I also felt wiser and I was at peace with who I was. I celebrated turning 30 with a party; something I’m so glad I did as it marked this milestone for me, surrounded by friends and family.
“I think it would be untrue for me to say that once I reached 30 I didn’t reflect on things such as having children, getting married or owning a home, but I think this is a very natural response to milestone birthdays. However, I also believe that this is largely due to social expectations – it’s important to recognise this and work towards a life that you want, rather than what somebody else wants.”
Delfina from Buenos Aires, Argentina, agrees. “Before turning 30, I looked around and all of my friends had started to settle down,” she shares. “I was not happy with what I’d accomplished.” Re-evaluating where she was and who she had become drove Delfina to connect more deeply to herself, and to create positive changes from the inside out.
“My biggest lesson was to understand how I was participating in creating my life; to own it and to take responsibility. I now ask myself two important questions regularly: ‘What is life asking of me?’ and ‘What am I asking of life?’”
“The bigger the birthday, the more likely you are to contemplate how well life is progressing”
On turning 40
For mindfulness and wellbeing coach Nat Malila, realising she would turn an age she had always considered to be ‘old’, initially caused a flurry of self- questioning: “Can I still have children? Can I still wear that? Can I say that? Am I doing what I want with my life?”
However, this milestone birthday turned out to be a true blessing for her: “I have put so much into the world and survived five years of personal highs and lows due to a degenerative eye condition,” shares Nat. “I realised it’s time I give back to myself and make the most of my 40th year – ditch the routine and treat myself to a year of travel, meditation retreats and sunshine!” Nat was now clearer than ever on what she wanted her future to look like and, best of all, was in a position to make it happen on her own terms.
Turning 40 turned out to be a transformative time for photographer and stylist Jennifer Schmidt (www.jenniferschmidt.com.au) too, giving her the courage to finally follow her career dreams.
“Growing up, I’d always been artistic, but was told there was no money in art so I was pushed into an accounting degree. I realised I’d spent the first four decades of my life trying to please everyone except myself. Then, at 40 years old, I decided that I wanted to turn my hobby of food photography and styling into a full-time career.”
Like Nat, Jennifer also decided to treat herself more kindly moving forwards, and started by making her wellbeing a top priority: “I chose to seek help for the severe anxiety that had plagued me my whole life,” she shares. “It has been a positive experience to put my happiness and mental health first.”
On turning 50
With age comes a deeper understanding of who you truly are, a wisdom of what you deeply care about and a passion to pursue what lights you up the most. “It’s a privilege to turn another year older,” says life and wellness coach Penny Eccleston. “I feel more empowered now than I ever have.”
Although turning 50 has been “a positive, uplifting experience” for Penny, 49 was her toughest year yet. “I had some of the worst possible experiences that year, but I was determined that they weren’t going to define me,” she says. “I said to myself, ‘I deserve better’. I took stock, I took responsibility, and a real shift happened.”
As a result of tougher times, Penny has learned how to let go, and how to say no to
the people and things that don’t serve her. “I say what I mean without saying it mean,” she says. For Penny, this has brought a refreshing sense of lightness into everyday life and gives her more headspace to nurture a positive mindset and outlook instead.
Being comfortable with your age means embracing change. It’s the only constant, after all. Self-awareness and self-acceptance are also instrumental in moving mindfully through your milestones. Where you are right now is exactly where you’re meant to be. When another year or decade rolls around, it’s natural to take stock and take in the view, and it can be helpful to use this time to connect or reconnect to your deepest desires and dreams. It’s also from this vantage point that hindsight may highlight where you took a ‘wrong’ turn. If a sense of regret stirs up, compassionately remind yourself that you did the very best you could at the time, and move on. As all of these women have shared, using each marker as a reminder to treat yourself and others kindly, and step further into your power and passions, will serve you well moving forwards. Do this and your magnificent milestones will be exactly what you make them.
Practical tips for ageing
As you approach each milestone, why not take some time out to positively prepare?
Begin the bucket list
A birthday is the perfect time to think about your greatest goals, dreams and desires, and make a conscious effort to commit to them! Always wanted to go on safari? Write a book? Meet your idol? Grab a pen and paper and start to list the things that will truly make life worth living – this is the very first step to making them a reality.
Remember to reflect
Step away from the party planning for a little while to reflect on your accomplishments. You’ll soon realise that you’ve achieved so much since the last milestone. Be grateful for the skills, strengths and support that got you there, remembering to express your appreciation to those around you who made it possible for you to achieve it all, and cheered you on as you did!
Swap self-comparison for self-compassion
Settle into the idea that success is what you define it to be at each milestone, and that it’s perfectly OK for this to change over time, too. The beauty of life is that no two journeys are the same. If you constantly compare your journey to those of your peers, you’ll only fuel disappointment and desperation.
Things rarely work out perfectly and regrets are a normal part of growing up. Be kind instead of critical towards yourself no matter where you’re at this year. As you take stock, remember that you’re always doing your best – so it’s time to start enjoying the ride!
