Love Island’s flirt expert reveals how to reignite your sex life after kids
Having children is life changing in many ways. For all the joy and fulfilment they bring, there is also a distinct lack of the freedoms you once enjoyed. It’s a fair trade, but it can make connection with your partner very different to the heady days of date nights and lazy morning sex.
When a dirty weekend is now more likely to describe your third bout of norovirus this term or washing the kids’ bedding for the umpteenth time, even thinking about sex, let alone actually doing it, may seem futile. And of course, there is a time and a place!
When your children are very young or need extra care you may not be in the least bit inclined – or able – to enjoy intimacy but when you’re willing to replace ‘sleep’ and ‘tidy up’ on the To Do list with something a bit more fun, there are ways and means.
Annabelle Knight is a relationship expert at Lovehoney and ITV’s flirt expert for Love Island. She says, “Everyone with children knows the difficulties of navigating your relationship when you have little ones to care for, and you have a newfound responsibility to meet their every need, overnight!
I think many couples also become accustomed to their dynamic together, and when a child is brought into the equation, this can change drastically. But the two worlds – your relationship, and your relationship with children – are not entirely separate, and you can definitely embrace your sex life, even after having children.” Let’s find out how!
Find the spark
“There’s a common misconception that once you have children, they have to be your only focus,” says Annabelle. While children are undoubtedly most people’s top priority, your sex life can also be a priority – for the sake of your relationship, but also your wellbeing and family dynamic.
When sex has always been an integral part of your relationship, a way of bringing you back together intimately, and encouraging that emotional and physical closeness sex brings, it’s important to make time to keep the spark alive.”
Sometimes the most subtle suggestions can ignite a forgotten, or at least dimmed, fire. Small gestures of care – making each other a cuppa or a meal, for example – focus the attention on your partner, while a simple compliment (“You look hot!”, “I love your hair like that”, “Mmm, you smell good”) goes a long way.
Annabelle says, “We often think that ‘keeping the spark alive’ consists of merely maintaining a ‘natural chemistry’, but what many couples don’t realise is that this is something you must commit to actively working on, especially in those small moments.
‘Foreplay begins outside the bedroom’ rings even more true when you have children, and you’re immersed in the distractions, stress, and often chaos of parenting. While disagreements and tensions are inevitable, the way you approach these are integral for the way you are emotionally connecting with your partner – which is essential for sexual intimacy, too.
“When couples have constant unresolved conflict, communication issues, or they keep undermining each other, it can be very difficult for them to want to be intimate with each other. Keeping the spark alive begins in the small moments of how you interact; it’s vital that you make your partner feel seen, heard, and understood, and that basic respect and attentiveness to your partner will contribute enormously to the intimacy you share.”
Make sure you keep up the physical touch during the day, in between mundane tasks and playing with the kids. An arm squeeze, back stroke or cuddle here and there feels good and keeps you connected.
There’s been a study around the ‘6-second kiss’ too, which is a simple ritual recommended by Gottman Institute researchers. The idea is that couples take six seconds to intentionally kiss each other once a day – the optimal minimum time during busy lives to focus on each other and let mood-boosting hormones flow.
It’s believed to strengthen relationships by stimulating oxytocin, the "love hormone," and reducing stress. It's a very easy, traditional way to create a moment of connection and focus on the present, rather than rushing through daily transitions, such as merely giving each other a peck on the cheek when you leave for the school run or turn in for the night.
With easy moves such a lingering kissing covered, Annabelle suggests you may want to try adding something new. “When you’re both exhausted from a day of parenting, it can be easy to neglect intimacy in sex, just mechanically getting that quick physical fix, or neglect sex altogether. It might be time to switch things up in the bedroom to keep the spark alive. While the spontaneous roleplay or introduction of a new toy can be a very exciting way to keep the spark alive, communication lies at the forefront of your sexual connection.
You can start by communicating your needs; perhaps you need more space or support, in your relationship, with the parenting or family dynamic, before you feel open to intimacy. Not just hearing, but truly listening to each other, really opens up avenues for intimacy, as you can help each other feel seen and quash any problems that may be interfering with getting close to each other emotionally and physically.
You can also communicate your needs, desires, and fantasies; perhaps there’s something in particular you’d like or try with your partner, creating a space for openness around needs and desires. This transparency is guaranteed to help keep the spark alive, especially if you feel like getting adventurous – this newness can be exactly what a relationship needs to stay fresh.
You can even do a small exercise when you’re spending quality time, where you can look back on when you first met or when you felt that initial spark, and write small notes to pull out of a hat about your past sexual experiences and kinks, and find ways to reintroduce them.
“It’s also good fun and exciting to try sex in a new location to keep the spark alive, you don’t have to be restricted to your bedroom, even when you have children in the house. You could try sex in the shower, instead, whether spontaneous or planned, and switch up your environment – the best way to freshen up your sex life is newness.”
A time and a place
However you approach it, making time for each other is key, whether you can steal a moment while the kids are at school, set an evening aside after the bedtime routine or – the jackpot – plan your own weekend away without kids.
Danny Zane, Therapist at North London Therapy says, “Couples with young children can reignite the spark by scheduling regular date nights, even if it’s just at home after the kids are asleep. It could be a quiet evening with a movie or a morning coffee together before the chaos of the day. Even short, intentional moments together can bring you together amidst the chaos.”
Annabelle adds, “Practical issues certainly play a role for parents and their sex life. The reality is, when you have children, you collectively have less time – both for yourself, and for each other. The bottom line is, you can be great, committed, doting parents, while still making time for a sexual connection.
While time is of the essence for parents, try scheduling moments together, either getting up half an hour early or allocating time out of your evening on days you are less busy. This way, you can have a guaranteed time slot for connecting with your partner.”
The reality of your situation as parents means that dates are unlikely to be extravagant or lavish, or even outside of the house! But you can create moments where you share something special – try making a special late-night meal for each other when the kids are asleep. Annabelle suggests one of you choose a main course, and one a drink or dessert for something low key but also intimate and fun.
“When you become a family dynamic, many parents feel it is selfish to put themselves first,” says Annabel. “But the truth is, taking time for yourself or for you and your partner can make you much more present and emotionally available.
You deserve to make time for yourselves and your relationship to keep the spark alive, and spending quality time where you even just talk and check in with each other is a perfect way to maintain that all-important emotional intimacy. When you feel close to your partner emotionally, you’re much more inclined to be sexually connected, too.”
“Why not have an exciting quick sex session to re-ignite that spark and intimacy that you had in the early days?”
For full privacy, well away from little ones’ eyes and ears, it’s not selfish to have time away from your children. “Perhaps a family member can help you have the space for yourselves as a couple. Whether you go away together somewhere to re-kindle that excitement of a cheeky night in a hotel, or your children are able to stay a night at their grandparents’ house, having private time together can be fantastic for keeping the spark alive,” says Annabelle.
“That way, you don’t have to feel hyperaware that you’re being seen or heard, or that your child might burst in any second needing your attention; you can enjoy each other’s company solely. Sex also doesn’t need to be in the evening when you’ve gone to bed, or the morning when you’re getting ready for the day, it could be spontaneously when the children are at an after-school club. Why not have an exciting, quick sex session to re-ignite that spark and intimacy that you had in the early days?”
Embracing a quickie is sometimes the only way when you’re time-pressed parents! But this passionate, to-the-point approach to sex can bring the spark back in itself.
Getting in the right head space
Of course, spontaneity may now be less of an option when there are a million things to do and dependents to factor in. Forward planning is often required to make the most of your alone time, but this needn’t be a passion-killer.
Danny says, “Creating a relaxing atmosphere can work wonders. Light some candles, put on soft music, or even use a favourite scent to shift your mood. It’s all about setting the scene. Don’t underestimate the power of a clean space and a comfortable vibe!”
Annabelle adds, “Remember that quality time as a couple is not spending time as a family, it’s undisrupted time together, which I know can be very difficult when you have children and you feel on-the-go all the time, and you also want time for yourself for hobbies, exercise, and self-care.
Ultimately, time together to check in with each other emotionally and mentally can be a fantastic way of maintaining that emotional connection – setting the groundwork for sexual intimacy.”
It's vital to keep that strong emotional connection between you alive so that your readiness for intimacy comes more easily. Annabelle suggests learning and discussing each other’s love languages (more on that, below).
“It’s all about knowing how you both give and receive love. While your love languages, such as physical touch or words of affirmation, can be different, they can still work in harmony. But if you need words of affirmation from your partner in order to feel loved, you need to communicate this with your partner – they’re not a mind reader! When you’re transparent and active in what you need to feel loved, and your partner is too, your relationship can flourish – keeping that spark alive.
“Ultimately, sex not only improves your relationship by bringing you closer as a couple, it also can be a fantastic form of self-care to improve your wellbeing. Sex releases hormones such as oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins, and vasopressin, which are extremely beneficial for your wellbeing, both as individuals and as a couple. It’s not selfish as parents to take time for yourselves to recharge intimacy, it’s vital that you give energy to each other, and yourself, to keep the spark alive.”
Remember – if you’re happy and fulfilled, you’re a better parent. So, make time for your relationship – you’ll not only be meeting your own needs but your partner's too, plus modelling what a healthy, loving partnership looks like to the next generation.
Shortcuts to seduction
Danny Zane, Therapist at North London Therapy suggests the following quick ways to get in the mood:
“Wear their favourite perfume”
You don’t even need to say anything! Scent is such an overlooked sensory hit. See if they notice and make a move.
“Dress up just a bit”
Make a little extra effort for each other, evoking the early days in a relationship.
“Send flirty texts during the day”
Foreplay is a little different amidst family life, so secret suggestive messages can work wonders.
“Give playful touches and sneaky kisses”
Don’t forget to flirt!
Love languages
A quick recap on ways to identify and nurture you and your partner’s approach to showing love
The concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. He describes them as:
- Words of affirmation – Showing love through verbal appreciation, compliments and encouragement.
- Quality time – Showing love by giving undivided attention, engaging in meaningful conversations, and participating in various activities together.
- Gifts – Showing love through thoughtful and meaningful gifts that symbolise appreciation and affection.
- Acts of service – Showing love by performing various tasks that are helpful and ease the partner’s burdens.
- Physical touch – Showing love through physical gestures such as hugging, kissing, and holding hands among others.
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